You Can’t Bring Down A Girl Who Knows Herself

I know you’re empty and miserable. You said it. I know you have this whole narrative of you treating people like shit and them still wanting you for some mystical reason you have yet to figure out. You said it too. But really, I doubt that you want to figure it out. You just get off on it. You wanted me to feed that pathetic narrative of yours by putting up with your shitty manners and nasty comments — comments I’d never asked for in the first place, and coming back to you again and again. Sorry, are you crazy or what?

Fair. Two years ago, I did do exactly just that, and I admit it now — I was the crazy one. Huge idiot. And yeah, two years ago, you did get to me. You did manage to knock me down and break me apart. You did successfully plant the self-doubt seeds inside of me and those ugly seeds did blossom and fuck me up over the following year. Why? I was painfully insecure and had no idea who the fuck I was. When you bullied me, instead of realising YOU were the one who had problems, I took it upon myself. I thought it was something about me. I kept going back to you trying to find redemption, which, as history has shown, did nothing but give you more opportunities to walk all over me. See, crazy right?

But hey, it’s over now. You can keep sitting on your high horse, blowing yourself up with all the tales about how miserable a person you are and how horribly you treat people who care about you and looking down on me and what I do all you please, you cannot bring me down now. I’m no longer that confused and lost girl who’s shaken by every little remark thrown her way. I’m no longer stupid or swamped in self-loathing that I keep subjecting myself to the people who don’t see me and treat me the way I treat them. I know myself now. Whatever you think or say about me, or do to me, doesn’t change my value, doesn’t change the fact that there are many, many people out there who love me and think the world of me. And certainly, it doesn’t change how I see myself. Because frankly, the opinions of someone like you don’t matter to me. You don’t like me? Well, big deal. I don’t like you either.

See, I used to be so affected by you, by your opinions and actions. Any interaction with you made me feel so ugly and unloved and terrible that I almost believed I WAS ugly and unloved and terrible. Meanwhile many others consistently show me their love and tell me all the positive things about myself, yet some-fucking-how I chose to take you and your negativity the closest to my heart. I didn’t realise the whole time, I did this to myself. I let you happen to me and keep reoccurring to me. It’s eye-opening that it’s always been in my hand to stop this. I could’ve just simply cut you out and focused entirely on the things and people who add value to my life. Don’t worry, I do it now though. Like, there’s no fucking chance I’ll ever come to you, or anyone really, who doesn’t choose me.

That being said, right now, I don’t have any hate towards you. I forgive you. Seriously. It’s okay. We deserve to be free of each other. Maybe I should even thank you because you have shown me yet again so many new things about myself. I know I’m capable of being kind even when people are shitty to me. I know I’m strong and, even in dark times, I’d never give up on myself. I know life is hard and people can be mean but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and walk away from said people. I know I have a big heart and I always see the good in people. I know I might be depressed, sometimes, like you, I might want to kill myself, but not because I’m fucked up. I’m not a fuck-up. I want to be a good person. And I’ll be a better person.

You don’t know and many people probably don’t know that I’ve been bullied badly, online and offline. I’ve gone through all kinds of shit, which is fine now. But anyway, I used to think if I want to win in life, I need to be super successful and rich so that I can rub that success and money on the faces of those who’ve hurt me. But no. It’s actually so much more simple than that. Every day I wake up, I look into the mirror and I love what I see, I’m happy and free of the past, that’s how I win.