7 Steps I took to stop dating avoidant men and start building a healthy relationship

Before meeting my husband and undergoing my healing journey, I often found myself in relationships with avoidant partners who couldn’t commit to me. These relationships left me feeling unworthy and filled with self-doubt. However, as I began to heal, I shifted my beliefs and mindsets, which transformed my love life. Here’s how:

1. Cultivate beliefs in Abundance

One of the first steps I took was believing that great men were abundant and that the man I desired existed. More importantly, I believed I deserved him as I worked on myself. This mindset shift was crucial. By embracing the idea that there were plenty of wonderful men out there, I opened my heart to new possibilities and stayed positive even when faced with setbacks. This belief in abundance kept me motivated and optimistic throughout my journey.

I often reminded myself that just because I hadn’t met the right person yet didn’t mean he wasn’t out there. I visualised the kind of relationship I wanted and held onto the belief that it was possible for me. This positive outlook attracted positive energy and opportunities into my life.

2. Assess a potential partner in a new way

Another critical change was how I evaluated potential partners. I started assessing them based on the value they consistently added to my life over time. It wasn’t enough for someone to be successful on paper. If a person didn’t share their success, time, or resources with me and instead made me feel worse about myself, they were of negative value and needed to be avoided. This approach helped me focus on finding someone who genuinely enriched my life.

I learned to look beyond superficial qualities and see a partner’s true worth. Did they make me feel loved and appreciated? Were they supportive and kind? These questions became my guiding principles. I also paid attention to how they treated others because it often reflected how they would treat me in the long run.

3. Lead with Qualities I already possess

I realised that the qualities I sought in a partner should be qualities I already possessed and could reciprocate. This meant putting my strengths and values, such as empathy and emotional depth, at the forefront of my checklist. This required a high level of self-awareness and personal development, ensuring I attracted someone who was compatible with my true self.

This process involved a lot of introspection. I had to understand my strengths and weaknesses and work on becoming the best version of myself. By doing so, I became a magnet for the kind of partner I wanted. I focused on cultivating qualities like kindness, honesty, and emotional intelligence, knowing that these were traits I desired in a partner.

4. Identify core Values, Life Goals, and non-negotiables

Identifying what was truly important to me was another crucial step. I looked for shared core values, life goals, compatible traits, a similar socioeconomic background, and aligned attitudes towards marriage, family, and children. Personal finance, understanding of racism and feminism, and general respect and kindness to others also formed the foundation of my criteria. This comprehensive approach ensured a solid base for a lasting relationship.

I made a list of non-negotiables and nice-to-haves, which helped me stay focused on what truly mattered. This list included values like integrity, respect, and a growth mindset. By prioritising these core values, I was able to filter out incompatible partners early on, saving myself from unnecessary heartache.

5. Challenge Toxic Masculinity preferences

I had to challenge my previous preferences for toxic masculinity. When seeking my husband, I desired a man who embodied both masculine and feminine traits that balanced well with mine. Together, we could switch roles as needed and work as a cohesive team. This balance fostered a healthier and more supportive relationship.

This shift required me to let go of societal stereotypes and embrace a more holistic view of masculinity. I sought a partner who was not afraid to show vulnerability, who could communicate openly, and who valued emotional connection. This balance of traits created a partnership where both of us felt seen and appreciated for who we truly were.

6. change my dating approach

Believing in the benefits of a loving, compatible, and committed partner, I approached dating with positivity and intention. This mindset attracted like-minded individuals who were also looking to nurture a meaningful relationship. By actively fostering a positive dating experience, I invited love and commitment into my life.

I approached each date with an open mind and a positive attitude. Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, I looked for the potential in each interaction. This optimistic approach made dating enjoyable and allowed me to connect with others on a deeper level. I also set clear intentions for what I wanted in a relationship, which helped me stay focused and avoid settling for less than I deserved.

7. See Myself as Worthy

Finally, I saw and carried myself as a quality person deserving of love, care, respect, and commitment. This self-perception was crucial in attracting a partner who valued and cherished me. By embracing my worth, I created a positive feedback loop that reinforced my confidence and self-esteem.

Self-worth was the cornerstone of my transformation. I practiced self-love and self-care, reminding myself daily that I was deserving of a healthy and loving relationship. This inner confidence radiated outward, making me more attractive to potential partners who valued and respected me.

Conclusion

My journey from dating avoidant partners to finding a loving husband involved significant personal growth and mindset shifts. By believing in abundance, evaluating partners’ consistent value, matching qualities, focusing on core values, challenging toxic preferences, dating with positivity, and seeing myself as worthy, I transformed my love life. These principles not only helped me find my husband but also created a foundation for a healthy, balanced, and fulfilling relationship.

Transforming my love life required a deep commitment to personal growth and a willingness to change my beliefs and behaviors. By focusing on what truly mattered and embracing a positive, intentional approach to dating, I was able to attract the love and partnership I had always desired.