Avoid These 10 MISTAKES if You Have an ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE
This is for people who have an anxious attachment style and are struggling with it in romantic relationships and don’t know what they’re doing wrong that blocks their healing.
Hi, I’m Ellen. I’m a former anxiously attached dater. My anxious attachment style stemmed from childhood issues and traumatising breakups in my younger years.
I know what it’s like. A delayed text message could make my stomach knot. Seeing any small changes in behaviours from a date could make my chest tightened and trigger my worst fear of being abandoned. Any social interaction had the potential to send me straight to hiding and spiralling in bed. I became needy, impulsive, reactive, which pushed people away from me while the thing I wanted the most was their attention and love. My anxious attachment style robbed me from living a normal life enjoying simple, essential things like social connections or dating. I felt so helpless against it.
In 2019, I went on an epic healing journey. It allowed me to manage my anxiety, become more secure, and get married to my husband who is emotionally healthy and loving. We’ve been together for 5 years and I truly can say I’m living my best life. I’m calm, stable, light and happy.
Looking back, I could see why I struggled with an anxious attachment style for so long. Here are 10 mistakes I made that held me back from healing and finding the relationship of my dreams:
1. Dating one person after another without any time to heal.
When I was deep in my anxious attachment style, I was anxious not only when I was dating but also when I was not dating anyone, like I didn’t know how to function not being attached.
If this is you too, after a breakup, you may jump quickly into another relationship and form a new attachment to feel safe and normal again, it’s like a remedy. Being in a relationship, especially with someone who makes you anxious is the state you’re used to.
But by doing this, you have no time to address the root causes of your anxious attachment, never stop relying on others for validation, and continue to put yourself in an environment where your anxiety is most likely to rise. It’s futile.
2. Relying on external factors as coping mechanisms.
When I was anxious, I turned to alcohol to calm myself. I went on dates to distract myself. I even got a few tattoos, using the needle pain to numb my deep emotional pain. It was quite sad.
These coping mechanisms provided temporary reliefs, sure, but the anxiety always came back and often got worse.
Plus, they had other consequences, like drinking alcohol worsened my physical health, dating the wrong people added so much stress and damaged me even more. And I felt like I was running in circles.
3. Acting on my anxiety.
Whenever I felt anxious, I thought I had to do something to make it go away immediately.
For example, texting my date for reassurance. But when you feel anxious and act immediately you reinforce the idea that anxiety requires an instant fix and you’re not capable of helping yourself. This can create a cycle where you depend on others to calm your fears, which can strain relationships and increase your anxiety over time.
When you do this many times, it could lead to your partner leaving you, which can reinforce all your negative self-talk and activate your fear of abandonment. Quickly, it’s all out of control.
4. Thinking a relationship or romantic partner could “save” you.
After a painful breakup, I often moved on to the next relationship to soothe the last relationship’s pain and shame, hoping this time it would be different so I’d feel validated that I wasn’t a crazy person for having such needs.
But this puts a lot of unrealistic expectations on a new partner and makes you overly dependent on them for your happiness and self-worth. It’s not their job to tell me my needs are valid; it’s mine to embrace and communicate them.
5. Thinking of my anxious attachment style as a fault.
I hated my anxious attachment style, it made me feel unlovable like I was a burden, so I often sold myself short and saw people dating me as doing me a favour.
But this negative self-view often leads to poor boundary setting, overlooking bad behaviours, and settling for less.
Which leads to the next point:
6. Not accounting for my attachment needs in my dating standards.
When listing dating standards, people might say things like having a good job, good manners, and similar values, but if you have an anxious attachment style like I did, these standards are not good enough for you.
Ignoring your emotional needs such as prioritising physical attraction over communication style can result in being in a relationship that constantly triggers your anxiety. You might find yourself being with a partner who is nice to you, physically attractive, and has a great job, but it’s useless when they’re emotionally unavailable or inconsistent.
7. Downplaying your needs and pretending to be “cool.”
Are we all familiar with the “cool girl” at this point?
Guilty as charged, I used to try so hard to be a cool girl, having no needs and emotions to fit perfectly into a man’s life, a man who was a complete stranger. It was a big mistake.
Minimising your needs and pretending to be cool is the least cool thing you can do. It means dating on someone else’s terms and denying yourself. When you’re not being true to yourself, you also take away other people’s chance to get to know you and make you happy. Both of you are in the wrong relationship.
8. Lacking consistency and patience.
Healing from your anxious attachment style takes time and effort. Feeling easily frustrated and not putting in consistent work to heal prevents pivotal progress. It’s not enough to journal, go to therapy or meditate now and again.
It’s not enough to just reply to reach out to this ex one last time. It means you’re not ready to heal yet. This is serious tough work that requires you to show up every day and set clear boundaries.
9. Neglecting other aspects of healing/self-care.
Ignoring holistic self-care can worsen your anxiety and hinder emotional healing, as physical, mental, and emotional health are interconnected.
You can’t expect to stop feeling anxious when you have other habits like smoking, drinking, overworking, sleeping late, and eating fast food.
10. Not seeking professional help.
Therapy can offer guidance, support, and practical techniques to help you understand and manage your attachment style, develop healthier relationship patterns, and build emotional resilience.
I know it’s not accessible to everyone, but I was fortunate enough to have it covered by my corporate job’s insurance.
For me, therapy acts as an anchor for me to build a sense of security and stability within myself. Going to therapy in itself is healing for me because I’m showing myself that I’m committed and capable of helping myself.
So now that you’re aware of 10 possible mistakes that hold you back from healing. Now what? Here are some reminders when healing from your anxious attachment style:
- Take time for yourself after a breakup.
- Have the courage to be present with your pain and anxiety. Learn to sit with it and let it pass in their own time because it will.
- Adopt healthy coping strategies such as journaling, exercising, playing sports, and spending time with loved ones.
- Build your self-worth independently, outside of a romantic relationship.
- Embrace your attachment style and accept yourself for who you are right where you are.
- Prioritise emotional needs when looking for a new relationship. Communication style, empathy, and emotional availability are some of the qualities you must put at the top of your checklist. They’re nonnegotiables.
- Be upfront and honest about your needs. Communicate your expectations and boundaries clearly. It’s better to “scare away” all the wrong ones right off the bat. The right ones will show themselves to you and stick around.
- Stay consistent and patient. You must show up for yourself every day and hang in there even when it feels like nothing’s happening. That’s the point — it’s the peace and stability you need to get used to.
- Adopt a holistic self-care approach. Take care of your body and maintain supportive social connections.
- Finally, seek professional help if you can. Go to therapy. It saved my life.
