Deconstructing Love #5: Why Can’t Successful Women Get The Guy?

Hello again! This is your weekly Deconstructing Love column where Aaron Zhu, our guest writer, and I will be deconstructing quotes or answering questions on love and relationships — Please feel free to send in your own quotes and questions by emailing me at ellen@tinglymind.com

This week, we have a question from a female reader about her latest romantic connection:

“Almost a year ago I have met this guy with whom I felt a special romantic connection that I usually don’t find easily. In life, I trust and follow my guts mostly. I had this same feeling as when I was buying my flat: it is not perfect but it has everything I want and it feels as good investment. I am over the top happy with my flat, however, the same cannot be said for the respective guy.

It started intense until we took it to bed, where he lost erection during the intercourse. That has happened the next time we met. He said it wasn’t because of me, that I am really good looking and I do believe him and that he has no idea what could have caused this. I tried to make it easy for him and be understanding by showing him that this is not an issue for me and want to continue to hang out with him. So, we did.

However, I was mostly inviting him to hang out. We would usually be together for 3-4 hours, having drinks or dinner. After a few months, I wanted to clear things up as I am looking for a relationship. I have opened the debate and it ended him saying that he has a feeling that we are not compatible enough to make something serious out of this, but instead he could offer me some fun, hence sex. Well, I was like “aha”, I am not sure about the fun part.

We stopped texting each other from here on. However, in about a month I anyway asked him if we could still have fun (other dates have not gone well, the usual stuff) and his response was that he is not into the fun anymore.

Since then we have not been communicating, but now after 4 months, I am meeting him almost every morning on my way to work. We say hi to each other and chat from time to time like how are you doing, how is your job, etc. Unfortunately for me, I still feel this connection, gut feeling that I cannot describe towards him. I have also felt after our “breakup” that something is going to happen in Autumn and it did, I bumped into him one morning on my way to work.

We both very much enjoyed physical contact (I know I did, he said it), I loved the way he kissed and touched me and I enjoyed his company. He was bright, logical with the power to summarise everything in about 2 sentences, sarcastic in my way.    

It seemed that he is not like other guys filled with prejudice of me getting university degree before him, having more working experience, my own flat and being successful in nowadays meaning. I have simply truly enjoyed his company.

Would very much like to hear your thoughts on this.”

Aaron:

Guy’s (or people in general) aren’t filled with prejudice because everyone is different. Our perspectives are heavily affected by our community. Therefore, it’s important to surround ourselves with the right people so we don’t have a pessimistic perspective in dating.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you are trying to reach for your romantic goals the same way as your other goals – the degree, education, and job. While some of the steps overlap, they are very much completely different aspects of life. For example, relationships require hard work and effort just like any other aspect of life to succeed. However, unlike professional and academic aspirations, I would say that relationships and love require a higher degree of compassion, empathy, awareness, and more. Since you are already putting in the maximum effort, maybe you can try shifting the effort into improving other aspects of yourself.  

The reason why I’m saying all this is because you seem to be confused about why you aren’t attracting top-quality men or not having much success with dating and relationships. You are judging your own and other people’s value based on their external factors (degree, money, job, etc). Yes, these are important, but they are only half of the equation of life. Just like we work towards a better salary or higher education, we also have to put in work to foster our relationship skills.

Furthermore, you stated that the two of you were off for a month and then off again for another four months. It sounds to me like deep down, you are crawling back to him because you are unable to find someone better. I’m sure that you are being true to yourself when you say you enjoy his company and you do have feelings for him, but I doubt that you believe he is everything you’re looking for.

Life is not always black and white. Having a job, a degree, and whatever else isn’t the whole puzzle. You may be missing pieces such as emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and relationship skills. These intangible aspects really do translate to tangible results in life. It affects the way you perceive life, your confidence, and self-esteem, and ultimately, this affects the type of people you attract.  

There are many people out there that are able to give you what you want. Don’t settle for someone due to feelings of hopelessness. Push through, constantly improve and try to see life through different lenses. There are a lot of amazing people out there, I promise you this.

Also, on an unrelated note: I wouldn’t overthink the compatibility issue that the guy brought up. That is just an excuse people use when they don’t know how to tell you the real reason why they don’t want to be with you. Furthermore, guys might lose their erection for whatever reason and most likely, it has nothing to do with you. From a guys perspective, I would say he was probably just nervous.

Ellen:

Well, I have no comment about the fact that you mentioned your success or even the details of your encounters. Women often analyze and romanticize every little thing but none of it is really important when he already said that you two were not compatible enough to have a serious relationship while you’re looking for one. That’s your cue right there to switch off any feelings and thoughts about this person and take action to move on.

I understand that you missed him and enjoyed your time together — It’s absolutely normal, especially like you said, he stood out to you because he wasn’t intimidated by your success. But that ship has sailed. It does not matter if he was bright or logical or had the power to summarise everything in about 2 sentences, or even if he could cure cancer. Well, good for him but as long as you two are not looking for the same thing, thank you, next. 

Unfortunately, finding your other half is not quite the same as buying your own flat as your flat doesn’t just stop responding to your text messages out of nowhere or tell you it’s in a weird place right now. Your professional success doesn’t guarantee you a life partner. You just have to get out there and keep trying your luck. Go meet new people. Keep your heart open. There are plenty of people out there who are on the same page as you. Choose someone who chooses you. Stay strong and keep marching forward.