Read This If You Feel You Have No Purpose In Life

For each of us, there’s something, some area in our life that deeply affects us.

It’s something to which we attach most of our self-worth, the one thing that has enough power to send us to cloud nine and shatter us into millions of pieces.

To me, it was personal relationships.

I was excited about many things such as my professional achievements and writing progress but none could shake me up quite as vigorously as the outcome of romantic relationships did.

For some deep-rooted reason, my core self-esteem was tied directly to this area, which led me to invest my energy heavily in the new people I met. Consequently, my world was practically turned upside down every time things didn’t go the way I’d wanted.

The manifestation of this were many insecure, desperate and self-sabotaging behaviours. I was too young, too easily carried away. I had little to show for myself and didn’t know my place in the world.

Every new person was a judge of my value, and every new encounter was the sole determinant of my self-worth. When someone walked away from me, I’d immediately think I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t deserve love and happiness.

Luckily, insecure as I might have been, I was incredibly self-aware. Over time, as I learned more and more about myself, I became more confident and figured out what was important to me.

I was also very fortunate that as I grew older and learned to communicate my values better, the quality of the people I got involved with improved. They gave me the validation and support I couldn’t give myself at times.

And then I experienced a deep soulmate-like connection — just the way I’d ever imagined it — right where I was without having to change anything about myself.

Like a wonder, it freed me from this irrational focus on romantic relationships. I was healed. I was released from the one big fixation that had always held me back, and naturally, I stopped hanging onto the world so obsessively, desperately.

Now, I’m in control of my actions. I know the basics that I need to know. I’m certain that I’m whole as I come. I’m not lacking. I’m only adding more to myself by having new experiences.

As a result, I’ve never been more content and happy. But at the same time — and this is where I pay the price — I’ve never been more lost and depressed. I don’t feel any strong internal pull towards anything anymore. I don’t intuitively know what’s next.

My main internal problems have been fixed. I’m generally happy with myself as a female human. I’m not sick or in debt. I’m non-religious, single and childfree and living in a foreign country without families — In short, I have no tie and tangle. My mind is wide open, I have no set idea of what my next 10 or 20 years should look like.

These could all sound like good things, but you see, this lightness and simplicity of being can be unbearable. I wake up and have no real purpose to follow, no cause to fight, no mission to accomplish. It strips naked my entire existence.

I’m constantly in between the two mood stages: “I’ve never been better” and “I just want to disappear.”

I’m forced to face every second of my everyday life, constantly question why I’m doing what I’m doing and often end up feeling defeated and empty as I have no good answer — only tired tears and suicidal thoughts.

I also find it hard to stay motivated for a long period of time because I see no real meaning to any of my actions.

I look around and don’t understand what other people around me do either. Many don’t even realise most of what they do daily are merely distractions so that they don’t have to look inside themselves and find the truths that might shake the ground of everything they’ve believed in.

It’s scary. It’s the zone no one really wants to get to.

However, as the optimistic and hopeful person I’ve always been, I think to myself, what if this is the point? Well, yes. This is the ultimate triumph. Look at it this way — I’m not supposed to find a purpose but I have to set a purpose for myself.

It’s my choice.

I’m free to make this choice with love, NOT out of responsibilities like the majority of people do. Also, I’m not supposed to live this life like one big gameplay and make sense of it all at once, but instead, take it moment by moment.

No one says it’s easy, but on the very bright side, I get to design a life I want to live. I get to make every little decision of where I want to go from here.

It’s amazing.

Not everyone has this privilege. Not everyone is so free, especially in their own thinking. That’s why I have to embrace this liberation and power with utmost gratitude and excitement instead of whining about it, knowing full well there’s no way out. I have to keep going and make this journey as pleasant as possible.

If you’re like me — somewhat nihilistic, if you know yourself a lot, think a lot, question a lot, and hit some sort of existential crisis, do this: accept that there’s no answer and live with it. Then set micro-goals.

This way, every day, every week, every month, you have something to look forward to and gain the satisfaction of accomplishment no matter how big or small, and before you know it, you’ve levelled up.

Then who knows, by that time, something will open up. You will be able to connect the dots of past events and set a purpose you feel true to, and find the people who make your seemingly meaningless journey meaningful. So, live for today. Think positively. Don’t give up just yet. Let’s do this together.

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© Ellen Nguyen

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