Read This When You Just Want to Disappear

Today when you wake up, you just feel like shit. You look into a mirror and you see all the things that should not be there. Everything seems wrong. Everyone seems to be out to get you. When you try to sort things out, nothing seems to be working. When you seek help from your friends and family, no one seems to understand. You don’t even have the energy to explain to them anymore. Some end up making you feel even shittier for feeling this shitty. Some don’t know about you and put you down unintentionally. Either way, you feel like breaking down. You have absolutely no clue why you even have to get out of the door but you still have to.

You almost cry in public but you must hold your tears back. You don’t understand why you have to keep going. You think you are a burden to the people who provide for you because they should be spending that money on more important things. You want to give up. You look up ways to die fast and easy, but then you think about your family and your friends and you are worried they wouldn’t be able to cope with this. Especially your one best friend. Then that hurts you too. She is struggling with her problems and you’re not there to give her the support she needs. What a useless person you are.

Days like this — they are hard. Days like when you run to the bathroom and vomit because you are not eating well, they are struggles. Days like when you go to the hospital alone, do everything alone, fight all the battles alone — they are loneliness. Days like when you wish you could just vanish because you feel like you’re nothing, for nothing — they are unbearable. Days like this — they are eating you away. Days like this — they are killing you before you even have to kill yourself. Then there comes this feeling as though you would never be able to get through all this.

You ask why. You ask what. You question your entire being. What is the purpose of all this? Suddenly you have this urge to do something because… why not? Dye your hair, get a tattoo, pierce your nose. Or whatever. Jump into the river and get drown for a while. You even miss the pain from the needle on your right arm when you did the blood test. You want something like that again. You want to feel. It sounds crazy, you know.

But then you say, fuck it. You’re already here. What now?

You need to do something with your life. Fuck all the No’s from everyone around you. Fuck people’s opinions, approval, judgment. Fuck people.

Right. You’re here. Goddammit. You’re this human being, with bones and flesh, with a brain, with a voice, with strength, bravery, and a big heart. You can’t die today.

There are many assholes that still live happily, with no guilt, no remorse, then why should you die?

It’s easy. Yes, it’s an easy choice. It’s a good option to leave this filthy planet earth. But you also know full well that you are too much of a pussy to actually grab a knife to stab yourself, that you would be a total coward to leave this battle this soon, so that’s how you will be alive and suffer. You will suffer every single day unless you do something.

Don’t you forget you always have another choice. You have a choice to make your life easier. To pick yourself up. To turn everything around. You will do that because that’s what strong people do.

Do it. Do what you want to do. Try it. Try everything you could. And say fuck it. Yes, raise that middle finger to all the assholes that ever dare to hurt you, mistreat you, make you feel bad about yourself. They are the little shit you have to let go right now because there is no time and space for that. 

Stand up for who you are. You are better than this. You can do this. This is hard but the harder things to do are always the better things to do. And you know how much you admire the people who do the hard things. You can be that one too. You can live differently. You have a choice to feel awesome.

There are days you just want to die. And yes, you will die one day. But not yet. Not today.

If you’re feeling like you want to die, it’s important to tell someone.

Help and support is available right now if you need it. You do not have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.

Samaritans – for everyone

Call 116 123


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© Ellen Nguyen

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