I know in your head right now you have the ideal of how things should be, and it’s making you nervous. But things will never be perfect. It’s easy to do something once perfectly, but the real test of quality is over time. And over time, there’s always fluctuation. Things in real life never stay constant. It’s like investing. You have to play the long game and wait it out before you make a definite decision, or you will never gain anything substantial. If you keep having short-term mindset, your actions will only lead to short-term results and you will feel cheated in the long-run.
The truth is, you don’t know how things should be or would be in the long-run. The only way for you to know and do it right at some point is to let it be this time and observe. It will be messy. It will be very slow and messy just like the way you’ve learned to be yourself over the last several years — I have no doubt. You will get hurt, you will make mistakes, but in little ways, you will learn and things will get better. Perhaps this time the outcome will not be in your favour, or you might get lucky and you actually get what you want. But either way, you can’t force it. If you force it, the only ending is negative. You have to let it be.
I know your 20s is a confusing and painful time. You always feel like you could do so much more but you’re just seemingly wasting your time, getting nowhere. It’s okay. It’s normal. You’re moving. You’re building things you don’t know you’re building because little things in the peripheral add up. Because in the pile of regrettable mistakes there’s less and less unnecessary pain and more and more self-acceptance. Because you can’t see the forest while you still walk among the trees. Because the forefront of your mind is frequently filled with trash and this trash is more and more exposed to your consciousness. So it’s all right. You can collect the trash and rest for a bit. After all, it’s just life. It is what it is. Are you here? Are you okay with yourself? if yes then fuck the noise.
But don’t get lazy. Don’t give up on yourself, ever. Don’t stop trying. Don’t stop learning how to tell your stories. I know how much people and connections and relationships mean to you, so don’t stop putting in the effort. When your first instinct is to be defensive and closed-off, try to relax a little and just stand there. Be the last one standing. Give yourself a chance. It will get easier. Don’t dig yourself a hole here, however. Don’t ask why. Because there’s no why. All the trying is mostly just your survival instinct, a habit, a passion that’s fueling itself to protect you. If you keep questioning it, it’d just turn into another kind of trash. So shut that voice and just do it. At some point when you realise the seeds you plant have turned into a garden and it’s time to harvest the fruits, you will understand. You will understand maybe you were wrong. Maybe if you could just let yourself be a bit more vulnerable, nothing terrible would happen, but the journey would be so much more worthwhile.
There are so many different types of people in the world, and each has their own wonder. You too. Your inner world is your wonder so never underestimate the power of it. If it’s not enough, do more. Be your own enabler. Don’t wait for someone to bring life to you. Go out there and explore it. No matter how alien it feels at first, with enough curiosity and doing, you will get comfortable and you will find your own answers. Just remember who you’re at the core and stand firm for it. Not everyone will see you the way you see yourself. Not everyone will recognise your value and stick with you for it. Not always do you sell yourself right and become someone’s wonder. And it’s okay. It doesn’t change your inherent worth. It doesn’t change who you are. It isn’t your fault. Sometimes it’s just the way it is, and it might be too late to fix the narrative. Then let it be. Let life run its course. This time. Next time. Until something clicks. Nothing terrible would happen, trust me.
With every sparkle, every pain comes an opportunity to learn about yourself, to expand to be the person you ever wish to be. So don’t let the disappointments bring you down. Don’t be scared of starting over again. Your 20s is indeed a time of endless starting over again. Stay ready — It’s going to be all right. Be positive and happy today. Don’t cheat yourself out of enjoying this short life.