10 Signs Your New Date isn’t “It”

In the era of Tinder and hook-up culture, it can be hard for anyone who is looking for a serious relationship to navigate the dating scene without getting your dreams and hopes shattered.

Dating is no longer simply a way to find out whether two people are suitable for a relationship. No — it’s a battlefield out there.

Raise your hand if the following scenarios sound familiar.

After going on a first date and feeling butterflies in your stomach, you receive a text at 10 pm three days later asking, “Wanna come over?”

After going on several great dates and finally having sex with each other, they suddenly drop off your radar like an ancient ghost.

After months of going on great dates and having fun sex, you excitedly think it’s heading in the right direction but, as soon as you bring up the relationship talk, the slow fade happens.

I know — it’s disheartening. But the good news is that it can be prevented.

If you’re looking for a relationship, here are 10 dating red flags to take seriously:

1. They say they’re not ready for a relationship (or they have recently ended a long-term relationship)

They said it, you heard it.

Not ready for a relationship or not ready for a relationship with you — it’s all the same. Save your time and dignity and sanity and move on to someone who is looking for the same thing as you are and is fully ready for you.

Don’t stick around thinking they’re going to change their mind once they spend enough time with you and realise how amazing you are. The only message you would send out by waiting is that you don’t value yourself or your time.

2. They straight up tell you undesirable things about themselves

When someone tells you something undesirable about themselves very early on, they’re managing your expectations. They’re forsaking the responsibility to be a good partner to you and, if you proceed with the relationship, you’re telling them that’s okay and any consequence is entirely on you.

Remember that if someone is serious about you, they will want you to see them in the best light possible — they wouldn’t want to ruin their chance with you. They won’t tell you things that make you want to run away and feel like, by sticking around, you’re compromising on your self-respect.

You will never, ever have to compromise on your self-respect in a healthy, compatible relationship.

However, if talking negatively about themselves is just them being honest and putting it all out there, it’s best to assume that these self-disclosed things aren’t going to change over time and you need to decide whether you can live with them for the rest of your life or you walk away now.

3. They don’t contact you or respond to you in a timely manner after the first date

When someone really wants you, you’ll see their best behaviours, not half-hearted attention and effort. They will make sure you know they’re interested and they will want to see you again as soon as possible.

Meanwhile, if they’re not feeling it or not looking for a relationship, they will be in no rush to talk to you after the first date. Sure, they might have had a good time with you; they might sound super enthusiastic at the end of the date or in text messages afterward. But their absence or silence says it louder — they don’t worry you might lose interest in them; they don’t mind if they will not see you again.

4. They’re inconsistent

If their communication with you is unpredictable or they never contact you in between dates or they flake on you, you’re not a priority to them. They’re not trying to build a relationship with you. They don’t see a future with you. And they’re not excited about you.

You might want to make excuses for their behaviours — for example, telling yourself they’re not good with technology or they’re too busy or it’s still too early. But the truth of the matter is, if they have a job and no serious mental issues, they know how to build and maintain relationships. They know exactly what they’re doing.

5. They prefer quick and casual over effortful dates and only suggest locations near their place

If someone only wants to have convenient dates that involve no effort to set up, it’s a sign they don’t want to invest in you and the relationship with you. It’s a move to manage your expectations right from the get-go and keep your interactions as casual as possible.

Meeting near their place also means there’s a high chance for sex after the date and that might be their actual end game. Especially if this set-up goes on for another two or three dates, either they’re an alcoholic or they actually don’t have “dating” in mind at all when it comes to the two of you.

6. You’re doing all the work

If you’re the only person who’s dragging the relationship along — initiating texts, calls, asking them out all the time while all they have to do is say yes or no (and they have said “maybe” several times)— you don’t have a relationship. What you have is someone who is happy to waste your time.

If your date does nothing to show you they’re interested and invested in you yet still claims that they are, think carefully if you want a partner like this. Imagine your relationship five or ten years from you — is it a life that you want? Showing interest and investment in action consistently should be part of your non-negotiable standards.

7. You rarely see them on the weekends

If you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks and realise no date has happened on the weekends but only late evenings after work through to early mornings rushing out of their place, you might have an exciting lover but I’m afraid you don’t have a full-time partner.

Possibilities include: They’re keeping things casual and have no intention of integrating you into their life; They have no time for a real relationship considering their weekends are already used up for something else; They’re not available (or worse, still married). Either way, you need to get out.

8. They aren’t curious about you and don’t tell you anything real about themselves

This is the clearest sign of genuine interest.

When someone is into you, they can’t get enough of getting to know you and they want you to know them too. They ask personal questions, they listen to you, they open up about themselves, they share things that actually mean something to them and they even remember little things you mention here and there.

If your conversation with your date only stays on a superficial level, or it seems to get deep but you realise it’s all you talking and you know nothing of substance about them, chances are they have no real interest in you or a relationship with you.

9. Something feels off

If something doesn’t sit right with you, it isn’t right for you. Many people, when noticing something off about their partner, go on internet forums or ask people around them whether it’s something normal or not. But they’re missing the point.

It’s their relationship. They get to decide whether something is normal or not. Their friend saying that something is normal for them doesn’t make it normal for you.

If someone keeps acting in a way that falls far off your expectations, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a bad person — it simply means that they don’t share your values and see reality in a different way from yours. In a nutshell, they’re not for you. Don’t try to make a fish climb the tree.

10. You wouldn’t recommend them to your best friend (or sibling)

Ask yourself — If you’re not romantically or sexually involved with this person, would you recommend them to your best friend or sibling? Would you be friends with them? And if you’re interested in marriage and children, could you imagine this person as your kids’ future father or mother?

If the answer is not a big fat yes, it’s not going to work out long-term.

If you wouldn’t tolerate a behaviour in a friend, you definitely shouldn’t tolerate it in a partner. Your partner should first treat you as well as a best friend would. Your partner should also be your best friend who makes you feel warm and safe and inspired. Don’t settle for less.