You know you want long, lasting love. Yet, you keep finding yourself messily involved with someone who can’t give you what you need. 

Your friends and family tell you that you should be with a good guy or girl who loves you for who you are, and you know that too! But somehow all the seemingly good people you meet end up being bad or downright toxic for you. 

What are you doing wrong that you keep attracting the wrong people?

I’m sure you have asked yourself this question and have come to the realisation that the common denominator is you. It’s true. But it’s not what you think. 

Have you heard the saying, “You don’t attract the wrong people. You attract all kinds of people, you just choose the wrong ones.” It makes sense. Let’s dissect this. 

There are two parts to this equation: 

• Your desirability level in general 

• Your decision-making regarding who to date. 

So instead of asking yourself “How can I attract a better partner?”, you should ask, “What can I do to help myself attract more romantic options and pick the right one to date?” 

If your dating goal is to find a quality, long-lasting relationship, read on. 

Part 1: 8 Habits to help you attract any partner 

Be your authentic self everywhere you go including on social media

There are people who might not be your romantic type but you can’t help but feel drawn to them. There’s something about them that’s so interesting and magnetic. That something keeps showing up whether you approve of it or not. It makes you feel good to be in their presence. Well, it’s their authenticity. 

Authenticity shines. It breeds trust and meaningful connections. And what’s more, when you’re true to yourself and honestly communicate your values to the world, people will be able to self-select themselves before you even have to. You will be more attractive to the people who are similar to you; as for those who don’t have the same values as you, they will respect you.

It’s also beneficial to present your authentic self on social media as that’s where you’re most seen nowadays. If you use online dating, being authentic will help weed out the incompatible partners early on. 

Do the things you love

When it comes to romantic love, nothing is more repulsive than a person who doesn’t have any life or hates their life so much that they latch onto others to escape themselves — That person shouldn’t be dating; they need professional help (like myself in the past). 

If you want to have a good relationship with a great partner, the secret is to have a good relationship with yourself and your own life first. 

Doing the things you love is beneficial in many ways:

1. It makes you happier, 

2. It’s taking the step to build a life you love, 

3. It makes you more confident and therefore more attractive, 

4. It brings you to the people who love the same things as you do, and

5. It allows you to create meaningful connections with these people.

Bring to life your definition of beauty 

Look matters — let’s settle that one first. It’s human nature to be drawn to people who’re healthy looking and present themselves well. But I can’t say the same about beauty standards. Beauty standards are made up by the media (and basically strangers who have nothing to do with you). They simply don’t work for everyone. You don’t need to look like a Victoria Secret’s angel to be attractive and find a good partner.

You only need to look your best and your best is whatever it is that makes you feel most loved, most confident, most authentic. When you daringly define your own beauty standard and put effort into upholding it for yourself, your confidence and vitality will glow up like nothing else.   

Give genuine compliments generously

Being charming is attractive. One simple way to increase your charm and make people want to be around you more is giving genuine compliments and being generous with your compliments. 

First, it’s positive for everyone involved and it’s a good way to reinforce your confidence. Secondly, it requires you to see the good in others. When you don’t only see but also vocally appreciate the good in people, they will likely want to bring out that good side of them when they’re with you and recognise the good in you too.

This helps perpetuate a loving, accepting, nourishing environment for your relationship together — romantic or not. It also makes it easy for you to flirt in a genuine, playful way if you do happen to have a romantic interest in them.

Keep your mind open 

When you’re out and about meeting new people, keeping your mind open is very important in building connections and creating attraction. 

If you have set ideas of how things are and use them to judge others right off the bat, you have robbed yourself off of the opportunities to gain new perspectives that can enrich your life. Being closed-minded is also egocentric. It’s negative for everyone involved. It ends the conversion before one can even begin.

The best way to approach a new connection is that you let it unfold naturally. 

By all means please do keep your dating goals in mind, but the getting-to-know-each-other process should stay the same regardless of anyone’s agenda: You listen without judgment or jumping to conclusions; you gather information over time and, after a decent amount of time, you decide whether this connection meets your expectations or not. If not, you let it be what it is.  

If anything, you might’ve just got yourself a new good friend who can introduce you to someone who is a more suitable partner for you.

Be present 

People often say they like someone who is spontaneous. The dictionary definition of this is “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus.”

Interestingly, from my personal experiences, most people prefer planning and what they actually mean by “spontaneous” is the ability to be in the moment. It’s what makes an interaction light, playful, carefree, and full of joy. 

When you’re with someone, give them your full attention. Show your authentic self and give them genuine compliments while making smiling eye contact with them. If they don’t fall for you, they will most likely develop a crush on you. 

Invest in yourself 

This is a quote that I always remember: “People don’t love you for the emotional energy you put in the relationship; they love you for who you are.” 

At the end of the day, it’s about you. Putting effort into yourself will always pay off. It’s the best investment you could ever make. It signals to others that you value yourself and you’re indeed very valuable. It elicits desire from others to be like you, wanted by you, and be with you. 

But this isn’t just about being attractive to other people. You should invest in yourself whether you’re in a relationship or not — your education, your career, your well-being, going to the gym, attending therapy, etc. When life turns south unexpectedly, all the work you’ve put in yourself will be there to save you and help you start over again. You’ll be glad and you’ll be proud. 

Focusing on adding value to others

When you meet new people, having a clear dating goal (which you 100% should) can easily make you come across as “pushing for an agenda” and you suddenly have certain expectations that the fragility of a new connection cannot handle. 

One way to avoid this pitfall is to focus on adding value to others. When you add value to others — be it being helpful to them in any way or simply having genuine fun together, they will like you more and the interaction will become more natural. 

You’ll also get more positivity out of the relationship instead of feeling the stress of not knowing whether it will meet your goal and eventually becoming resentful. After all, all the time spent has been spent; with this approach, at least you know it was well-spent. 

Part 2: 7 Habits to help you choose the right partner

Now that you’re a definite catch in many eyes, it’s time to adopt the habits that will help you pick the one who’s worth your time and energy instead of those who, by any means, suck the life out of you. How do you change your patterns and choose better?   

Write down a specific list of things you’re looking for in a partner

After doing all the things outlined in part 1, you should be in a good headspace and “heart space” to think seriously about what you want in a partner and what you want your dream relationship to be. Write it all down. You should be as specific as possible. You should explain why you want each thing — what value it will add to your life. 

There have been countless anecdotes about how this worked. It’s because when you do this exercise, you manifest your dream life by envisioning it in detail and focusing all your energy and attention on achieving it. The moment you meet people who don’t resemble your list, you will know. And when you meet one who fits the description, it will feel right. 

Remember this quote from the book Alchemist: “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Apply your “the one” checklist to yourself  

Likes attract likes. When you apply your own checklist to yourself, first, you know it’s definitely what you want in your life. Secondly, it’s easier for you to recognise people who share the same values, life goals, and desires, and for them to navigate towards you.

Have you heard of the Law of Vibration and Attraction? “It decrees that everything moves, nothing rests, we literally live in an ocean of motion.” said Bob Proctor, a highly-regarded author and speaker, “The vibration you’re in is going to dictate what you attract into your life, and if you’re troubled you’re worried, you’re going to attract a lot of bad energy. The things you fear will come and visit upon you.”

So be mindful of your vibration. Raise it to the level of what you’re looking for in life. Be your own dream partner and similarly good ones will come and join you on your path. 

Connect with the people who inspire you 

As Ken Page wrote in his book Deeper Dating, there are two types of attraction: Attractions of deprivation and Attractions of inspiration. The former is what you have in toxic relationships or in chasing someone who doesn’t want you the same. 

It’s about what’s lacking, what’s missing. It conditions you like a drug addict constantly craving your next dopamine hit when the emotionally unavailable partner finally does something nice to you. It’s “the unrelenting itch for something that’s denied us.” 

Attractions of inspiration, on the other hand, is about what’s already here, about accepting the love we’re given, not about winning it. It’s easy, effortless, and natural. It makes you feel good and it is kind to you. It expands you to be the person you’ve ever wanted to be.

That’s why you should surround yourself with people who inspire you, whose presence elevates your being, and only pursue a relationship if there’s mutual inspiration. 

Learn to say no

A big part of having a healthy, quality relationship is about setting boundaries. If you’re someone who has poor boundaries, you will accept whichever treatment given to you until you don’t recognise yourself anymore. It’s impossible to have good relationships — romantic or not, when you don’t hold up your part to ensure your own well-being and happiness. 

Saying no is also an effective way of assessing potential partners. When something doesn’t sit right with you and you voice your concerns, you can observe your date’s reaction. If it’s anything but acknowledging your feelings, respecting your boundaries, and finding ways to honour your boundaries in the future, you should move on. 

Practice self-love and self-care

On this journey of building your dream life, it’s important that you keep taking care of yourself and improving your self-esteem even when you’re already in a good relationship. All the daily acts and thoughts of loving and caring for yourself will protect you when nothing else seems to help. They will hold you together when something suddenly goes wrong. 

You will be more likely to follow attractions of inspiration and recognise toxic patterns better. Given the two options that are, unfortunately, mutually exclusive in some cases: a person you have developed feelings for and your own well-being and happiness, self-love and care will give you the clarity you need to make decisions that benefit you in the long run.

Cut your losses quickly 

When you have adopted the habits in this list, you will have better dating options and know who you should invest your time and energy in. You will go on dates with nice and kind people and have fun exploring the possibility of a relationship with them. Even then, not all of them are for you and the time will come when you have to say goodbye to them.  

If you want to find the best relationship for you, you need to move on ruthlessly. When someone tells you they’re not looking for the same thing as you do, it’s not a mission to prove to them they’re wrong or you’re right. Tell them you understand and respect their decision, then focus your attention elsewhere. Likewise, when you don’t see a future with someone, let them know straight away. Don’t feel bad. It’s good for both of you. 

I know you have feelings and you are hurt, but those feelings can be processed in your own time and it doesn’t mean you have to chain yourself in the past or in a situation that no longer works for you. Your goals and happiness are important — you need to keep them active in your mind at all times and keep marching forward. 

Take your time 

At the end of the day, life is not a competition. You will find what you want and need in your own time and at your own pace if you keep putting in the work and cultivating good habits in life. It’s also vital that you enjoy yourself and absorb the experiences while they happen. Having a goal is good but don’t forget that life is now. 

People change, you change. You should keep taking in the information, learning more about yourself, and updating your plans as you go. The best relationship is the relationship that works best for you. At some point — maybe even for months or decades — a relationship is perfect for you, but as you move forward in life, it might not be right anymore. And it’s okay. 

Self-knowledge and all the good habits you’ve adopted will be there to guide you every step of the way. Great things are in store for you, believe that.  

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