Fantasizing about someone you just met or have never even met is more common than it should be.
After you match with someone on a dating app, or you talk with someone online, or you go on the first date with someone new, you can’t stop thinking about them.
Suddenly, from a stranger, they become this perfect person who carries all your hope and dreams. And they’re so perfect in your head that you can’t be yourself around them anymore. You’re scared of saying the wrong things, sending too many text messages, or doing anything that scares them away.
And then when they actually pull away from you, it pains you deeply. You feel like you’ve just lost something so precious and important to you. But, is it? Who are they even?
I understand. When you only have limited information about someone, it’s so easy to let your brain fill in the blank and your imagination run wild.
Superficial factors such as look, background, or anything that can give you an idea of who they could be can get you excited and think about the future with them, even though you have no idea who they are. You end up selling yourself short and getting into the wrong relationship.
This is also how someone might feel more anxious in the early stage of dating because suddenly they have so much to lose. This can lead to self-sabotaging and ruining your chance at a relationship.
So how to stop fantasizing about someone you just met or even have never met before?
I have a few tips for you.
1. External factors such as look, background, job title are not a direct indicator of inner qualities and relationship compatibility.
For example, just because someone is a doctor or a CEO, which is highly respected in society, doesn’t mean they’re going to be kind and emotionally available to you. There’s no guarantee.
2. You have to assess someone in relation to you and your life if you want to have a good relationship.
It doesn’t matter who they are and what they have — if they don’t add value to you and your life, they’re not right for you.
And how do you know whether they add value or not? You observe them over time. You can’t have this information just by talking to them online or after one or two dates.
3. If a stranger could be the perfect partner for you, they could also be the worst person you have ever met.
It could go either way!
Your brain might try to convince you that this new date can meet all your needs and satisfy all your desires, but in reality, they could be absolutely wrong for you: emotionally unavailable, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath… you name it!
Think about it. What’s more common?
A story of your friend going on a date meeting the love of their life, or your friend going on a date getting ghosted, disappointed, disrespected, or lied to?
I know it’s not always that depressing, but I hope you get the point: when you meet someone new, you just don’t know who they are. You have to take your time.
The real fun is when you know someone really well and you choose them for who they are and because you actually enjoy being with them in person, not just in your head.
By doing this, you also give them the opportunity to see you and love you for who you are.
Give it a go next time!