Modern dating can be tricky.
One minute, you’re all hot and bothered, and the next, they’re missing in action like a complete stranger.
If you’re inexperienced with dating, you’ll be left with endless questions and overwhelming anxiety. You’ll spend days and nights googling why they did what they did and even how to get them back. And you’ll blame yourself and internalise that you’re not worthy of love anyway.
Before it gets there, let me tell you: Dating is not a contest. There are no winners and losers. It’s not about the should’s and should not’s.
Instead of thinking of your date’s behaviours as an “outcome” caused by something you did (Hey, they did it with you!), treat it as a new piece of information you’ve learned about them and decide what to do about it.
Now, what does this piece of information mean? Here are some possible reasons why they disappear after sex:
1. They were never interested in anything more than sex
People might disappear after sex, but sex in itself does not cause people to pull away. They pull away because they never wanted anything more in the first place.
But why did they seem so interested in a relationship if they only wanted sex?
You’ll never fully know why someone does what they do, but many men have learned that women are turned off by hook-ups, so they tell you what you want to hear and play the gentleman’s card until they get the reward that is sex.
Then they drop their communication and hit you up unexpectedly (intermittent reinforcement) to hook you. Even if you confront them, they will still say they want a relationship with you to avoid being the asshole and string you along, so don’t count on that.
2. They don’t want to face themselves
When those men go after sex but act like they’re open to entering a relationship with you, they know exactly what they’re doing. But they don’t want to be called the asshole, so they choose ignorance instead, which means disappearing altogether.
If they meet you again, they’ll have to face the fact that they were not really intimate with you during sex and are not emotionally where they should be with you after sex. They will have to admit that they were leading you on and deal with your rightfully upset reactions.
3. They realise they’re not ready for a relationship after all
Some people might have just gotten out of a long-term relationship and think that they’re ready for a new relationship. But once they have sex with someone new, they realize that they’re not fully healed and still think about their ex. So they create some distance with you to sort themselves out.
If you wonder why they aren’t just being honest with you, well, it’s possible that they don’t want to turn you off completely — they still want to keep the door open for another round of sex. Or they genuinely don’t know how to move forward, so they leave it to avoid confrontation.
4. They act as conditioned
Under patriarchy, men are taught to want sex because sex is tied to their masculinity. While the woman might think of sex as a bonding activity, to some men, sex becomes such a prize that it would be silly to not pursue it given the opportunity.
Even when they don’t feel a connection or aren’t particularly interested in the woman, they might still try to make sex happen to tick a box in their head, proving to themselves and other men that they can get it. It’s nothing personal. So, after sex, they ghost or do the slow fade because they’re never genuine to start with.
5. They didn’t enjoy the experience
It could be quite simple that they didn’t enjoy the sex and lost interest. Sex might be one of the most important aspects to them and they found out you’re not compatible after all. But, honestly, it could be anything!
Regardless, if they can’t be honest with you about it, there’s nothing you can do. They’ve already made up their mind in their own time.
6. They have an avoidant attachment style
People with an avoidant attachment style might pull away after sex both because they’re uncomfortable with intimacy and they fear rejection.
They know that, if they maintain the communication, it will bring them closer to you, and it signals danger to them. So they keep a distance to feel in control and reset the progression of your relationship to wherever it was before sex. It’s safer that way.
Note: It’s not your responsibility to show them that intimacy is not danger or that you’re worth the risk; they need to see that for themselves.
7. They’re sexist
Unfortunately, there are men out there who lose respect and interest in a woman after having sex with her because he thinks she puts out too soon, despite doing it himself.
It’s a double standard at best and misogyny at worst.
There are 7, and possibly more, reasons why someone pulls away after sex. See, there’s no way you can know for sure, so stop asking yourself “Why?”
Regardless of the reason, this person isn’t here to build a relationship with you; they’ve made their decision. And now it’s your turn.
Do you want to keep dwelling on someone who doesn’t choose you? Or do you want to free yourself to find someone who enjoys sex (and more!) with you and makes you feel great afterward (instead of ghosting you like a coward)?
Next time, to avoid this scenario, you can implement an intentional dating approach. I talk in-depth about this in my courses Empowered Dating — it’s now available for pre-order. You can watch a FREE webinar to learn more about how to make sure you’re ready to date from a place of strength and intention!