Hello, here comes the Deconstructing Love column where Aaron Zhu, our guest writer, and I will be deconstructing quotes or answering questions on love and relationships — Please feel free to send in your own quotes and questions by emailing me at ellen@tinglymind.com

This week, we will help out the troubled hearts by answering this question:

What to do when your love for someone is inconvenient or useless?  

Aaron:

Two things. First, love is never convenient. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of energy. Second, nothing in life is truly “useless”, everything happens for a reason and everyone and everything serves a purpose.

Let’s talk about why someone may feel their love may be an inconvenience or useless. I believe that these feelings come from a lack of confidence. As individuals, we have so much potential; all we need is confidence to believe that we’re important and useful. In a relationship, this means we have a lot to offer our partners no matter what the circumstance is. Emotional support, acts of service, perhaps even financial help are all things we are capable of providing as long as we value ourselves.

So, what does it look like on the other side? Well, the cynical part of me is fully triggered by this question. The (cynical) truth is, if someone thought you were truly useless, they would leave you. In a relationship, there is an inherent exchange where both parties receive a benefit. People aren’t stupid, if they believe that someone is useless, they wouldn’t bother associating with them.

Coincidentally, one of my best friends said to me the other day, “whoever you end up with will be happy with whatever you provide them with. If they’re not happy with what you give them, they aren’t right for you.” The idea is, we are who we are and that’s all the matters. As long as we’re trying our best, we should never feel like we’re useless or an inconvenience. Anyone that makes you feel that way is not worth the time of day.  

Ellen: 

I really like Aaron’s take on confidence and self-worth. Yas!

I will add my perspective on this. So I take that when you say your love is inconvenient or useless, you mean the person you love does not need your love, or it makes no difference to them. I would say that you don’t know. You might assume so but you really don’t know. The other person might not tell you the whole truth; actually, they will never do so you should assume the best, not the worst to hurt yourself. I’m sure they appreciate being loved. I’m sure they could feel it even just on a superficial level or simply in the form of getting attention. You don’t know the difference it might make to them on days they believe they’re so unloveable. Like Aaron said, be confident in your own gifts — the generous gifts of your heart to another human being.

If they really don’t need your love or let’s say, they don’t reciprocate your feelings, respect their wishes. That’s the least you could do and ultimately you have to do. You cannot force your love onto them because that’s just selfish; that’s not love. It’s you wanting to satisfy your own desire to love someone, not actually think whether the other person wants to receive that love or not. Also, love yourself enough to let them go. They deserve a love that they need, a love that they make room for in their life and so do you. You’re valuable. If they don’t see that, you have to see that for yourself. Please do not sell yourself short, especially to the people who refuse to see you fully. Remove them. It’s a waste of time. 

I understand. It sucks. You know. It sucks to not be loved back the same way. It sucks big times. But that’s life. I know it’s not the most helpful thing to say to you but accept it and move on. It happens. It happens to the best of us. You’re not alone. Focus on yourself. How about you and your desire to be loved? It doesn’t matter how awesome someone is, good for them! It has nothing to do with you if they add little to no value to your life. It’s not worth your energy. Hear me? March forward and trust that people and things will come to you in their own time and you won’t have to bend out of shape to keep them with you — They will stay. Meanwhile, you can just freely, calmly enjoy your moments. 

With love!