Wanting You Teaches Me To Love Myself

You tell me you like me. You make me think you want to be the only one for me and you would be that only one for me. I believe you. So I start cleaning up my love life and making room for you. I tell interested men to jog on because I have someone very special in my heart. Some people would say this is a stupid move as we aren’t even exclusive. But it is my choice. I don’t want to risk losing you. I want to give us my best shot. I’m delusionally convinced it’s also what you want.

Of course, I’m delusional. I’m nothing to you. You take things slow. You have your life to take care of. You’re busy with work and plenty of other things to think about. I respect that. But I can’t deny I feel painfully unwanted like an inconvenience. Meanwhile, people tell me to forget about you and go on dates. I hear it. But it’s not the point. People don’t understand. I don’t care about having a relationship. I’m not even interested in dating; I’m interested in dating you. It’s too late at this point for me to be casual about it.

But I like you a lot. I don’t want to be a burden for you. So I try my best to back off. I mentally prepare for a life without your presence in any shape or form. As it turns out, with you removed, things would be colorless, tasteless, and boring. But it isn’t about you. It is about me. My life isn’t in the best place and it is no one’s fault but me. I’ve always needed an enabler. By myself, it’s very hard to keep my head above the water. I get depressed. I’m scared. I can’t see my own light. I think about the future and I feel deflated. I couldn’t just shine on my own. But I should.

I might be a wreck but I’m still smart. I know I shouldn’t have to rely on having you to feel good about myself. I should feel good about myself regardless. I shouldn’t wait for you to come to me to make things better. Things should get better with or without you. My life is now. Whether I’m with a partner or not, I should celebrate my individual existence. I have so many things to be happy for, so many people to be grateful for. I should be dancing, laughing, making the most of every moment I’m blessed with. My man, you are never my problem. No one could ever take away the joy from my days. I always have it in me. I’m responsible.

You see, wanting you teaches me a great deal about loving myself. Because you are moving at your pace minding your own business, I have so much room to think about my life. I don’t need a distraction to occupy the empty space you’ve left behind. If anything, I want to fill it with self-care. I want to fall in love with myself again. I don’t want to cry anymore. My birthday was a mess, last Christmas was a mess, yesterday was a mess, and I’m done with it. I don’t want to be sad anymore. It’s worse than bad drugs. I’ve had enough of these emotional ups and downs — they take away so much from me. I can’t allow that anymore. I just want to be light.

My man, wherever you’re, whoever you wish to be with, I hope you will be loved to the fullest. I care about you so much. I want to get to know you. But I don’t want to force myself on you. I let you be. Right now I need to let me be too. I’ve always been looking for an anchor but what if I could be an anchor for someone and even for myself? I know I’m still immature in certain aspects but I’m getting there. I need to be stronger, firmer on my own feet. I need to grow up. If I’m not enough for you, at least I should be enough for myself and it would be all okay.

My man, my ultimate soft spot, my heart is delicate. I’m easily hurt. I’m emotional. I’m single-minded. I’m extreme. I’m way too much at times. But I always mean well. I only have positive feelings toward you. I’m grateful for having met you. Wanting you and fighting to have you in my life has been a real shock to my system so I’ve learned yet again.

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