How Choosing Myself Led Me to My Husband

Throughout my younger years, I always felt misunderstood and unseen.

I was introverted, emotional, and sensitive. I felt and thought a lot — and for the most part, still do. I yearned for deep connections but found it very hard to find someone I click with. Sometimes I even believed I was an unloveable lone wolf.

My sister thought I wouldn’t get married till I was in my 30s. I thought so too. I didn’t have any evidence to believe otherwise. Throughout my early twenties, I had zero serious relationships. I didn’t even have a dating situation that lasted more than a few months. As I was quick to notice something was amiss, I either broke it off immediately or became too unbearable for them to stick around.

Dating was very painful for me. I was full of traumas and conflicts and didn’t know how to meet my own needs and wants, so I chose all the wrong people. They hurt me with their words and actions and left me scars that took forever to heal.

They told me I was too much — too young, too emotional, too sensitive, too intense, and on and on. For a long time, I believed them and tried desperately to change myself, but it never worked. I kept going in circles, and I was really scared.

That was when I came to therapy for help.

Throughout this challenging time, the one thing that gave me strength and comfort was writing.

Even when I didn’t know who to be and felt worthless, I just knew my writing had worth.

When I wrote, I wasn’t alone, or more precisely, I was no longer scared of being alone.

I knew my writing had power.

My writing always led me back to me. That was how I knew I was the answer.

Embracing me was how I could change my reality.

What it meant for my dating life was that I stopped pretending to be a cool girl valuing superficial things, but I started to be the woman I was: real.

I doubled down on my core values. I honored my needs and wants and acknowledge my feelings and thoughts.

It sounds simple, but it can be really hard to center yourself when you’ve been told to focus on men’s needs at your own expense your whole life.

It took a lot of work for me, but it felt so right and made so much sense to me. I just knew who I had to find.

When I met my husband, he treated me like the best thing that’d ever happened to him, the center of his universe, the main character worthy of love, care, respect, and lifelong commitment.

And because I’d chosen myself, I believed him. I allowed him. I didn’t expect any less. I showed up for us and I walked toward him.

For sure, there was an element of luck. I met him quite quickly after going to therapy, which I didn’t expect. But it happened and I embraced it.

Since then, endless good things have come into my life. It’s really beyond my imagination.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Don’t rely on others to do the right things for you.

People don’t always know what’s right for you; they’ll most likely do what’s best for them or what they want even if it’ll hurt you. You can’t just stand there and watch them do that. You have to do something. You know you best; you’re the best person to make decisions for you.

If you don’t know you best yet, then work on it. It’s very important. Try harder. Even if it takes a long time, or it doesn’t turn out perfectly at first, what you build is still yours and it will get better with time.

I know many of us are not raised or socialised to put our feelings and needs first or believe in our abilities. But you can do it. At some point, you’ll realise it’s your only choice because it hurts too much and no one will do it for you. Your self-love will carry you forward, and your boundaries will protect you.

See the good in yourself and double down on it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Find your community. Change things up. You don’t have to live a life that makes you feel like an outsider or stay in a relationship that leaves you with half of who you are.

You’re the main character. Your life should work for you and start with you.