It’s Possible to Find Love Again After Losing Your ‘Soulmate’
In 2018, I published an article about finding and losing my soulmate, an event that had happened almost a year earlier. That article resonated with many people, amassing over 25K views on Medium and many more on my website Loveful Mind.
A reader commented on it recently and asked me if the pain ever got better.
Well, it’s true that back then I was in a lot of pain. For a month, after parting ways with that ex, I cried literally every day. I felt like part of me was withering away. I held on desperately to my connection to that person for a long while because I was afraid I would never find something like that again.
Fast forward to today, I’m getting married soon to the most wonderful man I know. So the answer is a big “Yes” to the reader’s question. The pain didn’t just get better — it’s long gone. And my perspective about that relationship has also changed.
Here are the things I’ve learned 4 years after losing my ‘soulmate.’
1. I called him my soulmate because I didn’t know any better.
It’s often understood that a soulmate is someone who completes you or with whom you have an exclusive, inexplicable lifelong bond.
None of these definitions actually applied to that ex. We didn’t have a lifelong bond nor was he enough for me. I called him my soulmate only because I had never felt that emotionally connected to someone before and thought it might be the most I’d ever feel.
Little did I know I’d go on and find a man (my soon-to-be husband) who is the best match for me and makes me feel full on every level.
2. If he doesn’t choose you, he can’t be that valuable.
Because I had never felt so intense about someone before my ex, I put him on a pedestal. I promoted him to the ‘soulmate’ position and defended it while conveniently ignoring the fact that he didn’t choose me after all.
I even used the quote from the show Newsroom to justify the ugly sides of him: “Except for the things we did wrong, we did everything right.” But he did so many fundamental things wrong that nothing could be truly right. If I could go back in time, I would’ve been a lot more frank and ruthless. I would’ve called him out left, right, and center.
3. It will get worse before getting much better.
I was right about one thing back then: “No matter how bad things seem, it too will pass.” And it did, but not in a linear way.
After the break-up, I moped around for over a year then, like I hadn’t learned a single thing, got involved with people who hurt me even more badly. I thought my life couldn’t get any worse than that ‘soulmate’ break-up, but it was truly a slippery slope.
Though, thankfully, it was the push I needed to turn my life around and find the happiness I deserve. I saw so clearly the gap between what I wanted vs what I repeatedly got, and I was determined that I would bridge this gap.
The best thing about rock bottom is the clarity it gives you.
4. You’ll move on (if you really want to.)
There were times I wondered if I would ever forget about that ex and move on because my feelings were so overwhelming. Well, I don’t forget things easily, but they sure feel like a long gone past.
I can’t believe it’s only been four years; meanwhile, my reality is completely different. I’ve had no contact with that ex and have no desire to ever talk to him again, which would’ve been unfathomable to my 2017/2018 self.
I’ve learned that feelings are not reliable — they come and go. But living a good life is about being intentional. I’ve moved on because that was what I wanted and I made effort each day to achieve it.
If you’re going through a break-up right now, I hope you’ll find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in your pain, and it’s totally possible to heal and move on.
In fact, only by moving on do you give yourself a chance to find a compatible long-term partner and build a reality you love. It allows you to make space for better things to come.
There’s hope.
