Been thinking of getting back with your ex? Take a step back and ask yourself some deep questions.
I know it might be tempting to say “Yes, I’m in!”. However, it’s worth taking your time as much as you need to think carefully about getting back with your ex.
Back in June, my partner and I decided to end our relationship and we didn’t talk for four months. Then he reached out again asking for a second chance. I was shocked, of course. So before I said “yes” I made sure my decision was well-considered and I wouldn’t regret my decision.
If you are in the exact situation where you can’t seem to decide whether you should get back together with your ex or not, consider asking yourself these questions first.
1. Are you still holding a grudge over the past?
This should be the first thing you need to ask yourself.
Whatever happened during the breakup and how much hurt you were, have you forgiven them already? Because there’s no point in starting the relationship again if you haven’t and still have lots of resentment inside you.
Getting back to your ex means you are ready to close the old chapter and start a new one. Sure, there are things that you can’t completely change but you most likely don’t want to have the same old problem all over again.
2. Do you really want them or are you just lonely?
Most people end up in a new relationship just because they feel lonely. They couldn’t handle the loneliness phase after the breakup. Especially when the old relationship was a long one.
However, this shouldn’t be your reason at all if you want to get back to your ex. And if you feel like you can’t live without them, then you need to take a step back and stay single for a little longer.
I’m saying this because it’s important to know that you are good on your own. That you shouldn’t depend on others to make you feel happy/complete, including your ex.
During the breakup, I worked really hard on building my self-esteem. I can say that it was the most painful, hardest time in my life. But I still think I wouldn’t have gotten back to my ex if I didn’t take the time to get to know myself better in the first place.
3. Do you still trust them?
We all know trust is one of the foundations of having a healthy relationship. When you two decided to break up, the trust might have been broken.
However, if you have a strong gut that things might work out again and you still have a bit of trust in there, it may be worth giving it a second chance.
But how do you know if you can trust them? In this case, since you already know them, it’s easier to see whether they really mean it or not when they reached you out again.
Asking them some questions so that you can get some clarity before moving forward might help too. Hence, be straightforward and have a really honest and open conversation about this matter.
4. Are they willing to change?
This should be discussed as early as you can so you won’t waste your time. Having the conversations might be awkward, hard, and uncomfortable because it means you have to open up the old wounds and talk it all through.
I remember I was quite nervous just letting him know my thoughts and things that we should be working on if we want to make it work again. Both of us had to have the willingness to fix the old issues.
But it needs to be done. In this case, you shouldn’t hold back anything and even think that what you are asking is too much. Like I said before, this has to be set earlier to make sure you are both on the same page.
5. Are you both still on the same page?
Continuing the previous point, knowing that you both still want the same thing is a big deal.
Do you still value the same things? What are the future plans look like? In my case, since we were in a long-distance relationship, we made it clear that once we decided to get back together, we had to decide the country we would like to settle down in and no longer being separated by distance.
So try to make it as clear as you can at the beginning. This is to avoid any conflicts in the future.
6. Can you see a future with them?
Lastly, ask yourself if you still want to spend your life with them in the long run. Because you don’t want to just ‘“try it out again” for the second time knowing you can’t see a future with them.
I personally found this to be really useful to decide whether I want to rekindle the relationship or not. Even the little question like, “can I see having breakfast every single morning with this person?” might help.
Knowing that your ex still has feelings for you can be somehow exciting, especially when they decided to work it out again with you. However, understand that the line “I still love you” isn’t enough.
You clearly know why it didn’t work out in the first place and to avoid another heartbreak, you need to carefully think it through. What’s the worst that can happen if it fails again? Are you both willing to work on the old issues and start a new chapter? These kinds of questions need to be asked first.
I can say getting back with my ex is very worth it. But I’ve only done it after I spent quite some time just sit back and ask myself lots and lots of questions, which later on helped me to gain enough clarity about the future relationship I wanted to have.
So if you feel bad for taking your time too long to think about it, don’t. You are actually doing your ex a favor because nothing comes good from taking a decision in a rush.
“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.“
— Albert Schweitzer