I idealized my first relationship for three years.
I know, that’s a long time!
I’ve learned that my mind and my heart needed something/someone to connect to. I didn’t know how to break out of this vicious cycle for many years.
Today, I know that I can direct my desire for connection to myself.
If you connect more to yourself and to the things/people/activities you love you’ll see that you won’t idealize your ex-partner ever again.
A painful breakup is the greatest chance you’ll get to change your life for the better. If you want that change, it means that you have to let go.
Letting go is one of the hardest things to do because we fear the outcome. Out of fear, we cling to something even if it’s toxic for us. We don’t want to lose someone who used to be so important to us.
But letting go doesn’t mean that we give up on someone.
It means that we let it be.
We trust the world, ourselves, the universe so much that we are no longer afraid of the outcome. We find peace within ourselves, and we know that everything has its purpose.
Allow yourself to let go of your “perfect” ex-partner to get a life and a partner who fits even better.
1. Your relationship ended for a reason
Often, people know exactly why the relationship had to end.
Even if you could not find closure because your ex-partner didn’t give you the possibility, it says more than enough about your connection that he left you without explanation.
Don’t sabotage yourself by only remembering what went well.
Allow yourself to remember the reasons why you shouldn’t be together anymore.
That doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to love your ex-partner anymore or to miss the good times, but don’t sabotage yourself by only remembering what went well.
When I miss my ex-partner I always remind myself of how much he hurt me during the last few months of our relationship.
Even though we spent 5 happy years together, the end of our relationship showed me that he wasn’t the ideal partner for me anymore.
Write a list of all the things that went wrong and led to the end of your relationship.
Write down what exactly you want to let go in terms of your past relationship.
Phrase your thoughts like this:
I let go of unreliable behavior.
I let go of unfaithfulness and lies.
I let go of ignorance, bad temper, and discouragement.
After writing it down you’ll see clearly why it’s healthier for you to be without your ex-partner and why he isn’t the perfect person for you.
Even though I felt horrible after the breakup my condition during the last weeks of our relationship was even worse. Now, 8 months after, I am so released and I know exactly why I’m not mourning my past relationship.
2. The future with your ex-partner was only a fantasy; what’s real is your life now
Shortly after a breakup, it seems like the whole world is falling apart and your common future vanishes into thin air.
Maybe you’ve already talked about engagement or how you’d name your kids. Maybe you wanted to move to another country together or go on a world trip.
It’s totally fine that you have made plans with your ex-partner. The longer the relationship the more intense and frequent are conversations about prospective plans.
If you are struggling to let go of your perfect common future, start making plans for yourself.
Don’t involve your ex-partner in any of your plans.
If you want to move to another continent, even though it’s far away from your former life and your ex, do it!
You’ve always wanted to start your own business or set up a second mainstay? This can be your new project!
Take your time to learn new skills, get to know new people, and spend lots of time on your own.
Give yourself the chance to get to know you better and become even more loving and respectful towards yourself.
Now is your time to grow!
Step by step you’ll come back to life and realize that a great future awaits you and that you have the power to create it.
Make a vision board of all the things you’ve always wanted to do and do not include your ex in any of it.
Plan your favorite projects as detailed as possible.
Only chose projects you genuinely want to put in place.
After a while, you will see that everything turns out perfectly for you.
It’s hard to believe in the beginning but you’ll see — be patient with yourself and your feelings.
In the end, you won’t idealize your ex-partner anymore. You’ll be too busy with your own great plans.
After my break-up last year my future seemed to be wrecked. Now, I’ve set up my own little Yoga business. I write passionately for myself and Medium. I got to know new people and I’m motivated to make my plans come true.
You deserve your own great future plans. You don’t need your ex-partner to make your wishes come true.
3. There are plenty of people who have the positive qualities your ex-partner had
If you are convinced that your ex-partner had the perfect qualities that no one else can give you, remind yourself of all the individuals out there who bring their own great traits that may even fit better to your character.
I was worried that I’ll never be able to communicate with a partner as openly as with my ex-partner. But now I know that there are plenty of people I can connect with and our conversations and interactions are as open and genuine as the ones with my ex-partner.
If you stay open to connection and love you’ll get to know someone else who can be as “perfect” for you! And your relationships will even be better because with every relationship you’ll learn more about your own needs and what you don’t want!
I know now that my next partner should be as reliable and emotionally available as my ex-partner. He should give me the feeling of safety and reach out to me regularly. If he’s a great cook, I won’t complain.
Write down your ex-partner’s positive qualities and think about which of these qualities you want in your next relationship
Don’t cling to these qualities and be open to new individuals. Because you’ll change too. Maybe you’ll find out that your needs have changed and that you want something else at the moment. And that’s totally fine!
Don’t cling to thoughts like: “But he was so handsome and sophisticated” or “He always made me laugh and we had a special kind of humor”. I’m convinced that you’ll find these qualities in your next relationship as well if you prioritize your desires and wishes.
4. Your self-esteem will go up
Boost your self-esteem — but not by getting to know someone new who tells you how beautiful and funny you are.
Boost it by learning new skills, challenging yourself, and being considerate of your own needs.
When your self-esteem is broken after a relationship it may take a while to feel your self-worth again. But you’ll meet people who give you the best feelings.
Do things that bring you out of your comfort zone. Write down your accomplishments and recognize all of them.
In the long term, you’ll definitely feel how these activities helped you to come back to life and push your self-esteem.
Learn new skills and come out of your comfort zone.
Write down your accomplishments and take a moment to be proud of yourself.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful and valuable you are.
It’s okay to think of the good times with your ex-partner. It’s okay to miss him from time to time. Don’t repress your feelings and thoughts.
If you are brave enough to walk your path, to create your future and relationships you’ll see that your idealization becomes a memory and that you are finally ready for something even better.
One of my favorite quotes by Elizabeth Gilbert gets to the heart of how break-ups feel and how they can stand for change:
“And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)