If We Aren’t Magic, You Have To Let Me Go

Let me go if you only want me right now. If you only crave my touch at 4 am when you’re intoxicated and we’re the easy option. Do me a favour and keep your eyes off me. Even when our breath smells of loneliness and you can feel my desire to get high on your kisses, don’t fulfil it. Don’t look for my mouth if any pair of lips would make you feel the same. Don’t hold my body captive if you never plan to give me more than just your heartbeats.

Let me go if I’m the text messages you’re never excited enough to check right away but polite enough to reply anyway. Do me a favour and tell me the truth. Don’t respond to all my hellos and end every conversation with “Let’s hang out sometimes” when you’re definitely not keen enough to follow through. Don’t ring me up only because someone else doesn’t answer your calls and now you’re bored and want a substitute to keep you company. Because trust me, we both deserve more. On this Friday night, I would like to be someone’s magic, not just hours and hours of meaningless banter that can only rely on substances to make it less painfully mediocre.

Let me go if I’m never that Friday night magic to you. If I’m never once the decision you make on a regular Tuesday, and never the face you have to see because nothing else would make you feel better.

If you already know what you’re looking for and I’m just not it, do me a favour and make it clear to me. Don’t choose me then find ways to change me. Don’t expect me to measure up to someone I’ll never be and never need to be, then leave me no choice but to fail short and hate myself. Don’t make me hate myself. Don’t make me feel like a boring person who’s never worthy enough of your interest. Don’t force me to face this void inside of me that keeps getting bigger and hollower every time I try to open up myself and nothing is ever heard, seen or understood. That’s when I feel lonely the most.

Let me go unless you want all of me.

Especially if I trust you enough to show you my past and the only thing you’re ever concerned about is counting how many bodies I’ve had in my bed, please, please leave me alone. It hurt me then when a body left my bed so don’t hurt me now with your unkind remarks that could stab wide open old wounds. Don’t talk down to me like my past was a mistake and I should feel lucky if you go easy on it. I don’t ask you for your love or acceptance — it’s a choice you make on your own terms, and sorry, you won’t get to be my hero because I don’t need to be saved either. If you don’t like who I was and don’t appreciate the journey leading me to who I’m today, I’m happy that we part ways.

Let me go unless it must be me that you want but not anyone else.

I don’t need dinners or flowers or good morning texts if my time and affection is only a boost to your ego and a validation of your self-worth. I don’t need to heat up my bed with another body if that body is only there for instant needs that could be satisfied by any others. Because I’m never the type to get with someone out of loneliness, habit, or a primitive craving for physical contact. If I come to you, there would be a personal reason carrying your name, and I would stick around for the exquisite details that make you you.

There would never be another uneventful evening that I bullshit myself and others I don’t write about the people I’m currently involved with. I would write about you, if not directly then in characters and metaphors and abstracts. You would be the muse that gives depth to my words and I would no longer have to recycle old materials I’ve grown sick of and don’t feel a thing about. Because you would be here in my present and set fire to my mind every time I catch your sight. I would gaze into your eyes like you’re the one and only and I hope through my eyes you could see the best of you.

You would know that it must be you but not anyone else.

So let me go unless you want me the same way and someday even in darkness you can see my brightest colours.

Now, for starter, take a little risk and say hello if I have sparked an interest in you.

Text me if my name popping on your phone screen makes you a little bit jumpy and excited.

Call me and make a plan if I hold the power to turn your regular Tuesdays into quite a highlight.

Invite me to drinks and dinners if how I see the world intrigues you, and being with me isn’t just passing the time but something you genuinely enjoy and look forward to.

Kiss me long and deep if my lips send chills down your spine and hold me tight if securing me in your arms takes weight off your chest.

Spend a night if waking up next to me is how you prefer to start your day.

Come back for many, many more days if my body starts to feel like home. So long as we’re together, we will be each other’s magic.

Otherwise, please set me free.

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