Three months into the relationship, I knew something wasn’t right. My mind told me to run as soon as possible, yet it’s harder to convince my heart that it wasn’t the right person for me.
Have you ever wondered why everything seems to be at your fault? Even though you aren’t sure what you have done wrong? Yup. I knew that feeling well.
One day feels so great, and another day feels like you are living in hell. “What the heck is actually happening?” you asked yourself that question a lot.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to see it when you are in it, and it’s not as easy as “call it quits, I’m done.” Whether you want to admit it or not, most days, you think about leaving and longing to get your freedom back.
If you’ve been in a dilemma about your relationship, I believe deep down; you already knew what’s happening. Sometimes you just need reassurance from other people that even if things don’t work out, you’ll still be fine.
Here are the 5 warning signs you’re in a toxic relationship:
1. They Are passive-aggressive
We all know good communication is one of the foundations to build a strong, long-lasting relationship. While it’s hard for some people to open up in a new relationship, it’s definitely something that we can build over time.
But this won’t be the case with a toxic person. Why? Simply because they don’t want to. They don’t communicate with you well because it takes a lot of effort.
I remember getting shut down by the guy who I thought was going to be my future husband. Instead of communicating what’s in his head clearly, they instead expect me to guess what did he want or understand his situation.
After so long, of course, that attitude won’t go well with me, who constantly felt frustrated in the relationship. I began resenting him for being such passive-aggressive and needing to always put his feelings first no matter what.
This brings me to the next point.
2. They make you feel guilty all the time
Ok. First of all, you can’t even say whatever you want because you know they’ll gaslight you. Every fight, every argument always comes down to you being blamed for something you didn’t do.
You found them lying, and you confronted them about it, but you know what they say? Yup. That same words such as “you are just too insecure.”
I remember how I was surrounded by this feeling in my day-to-day life. And the crazy thing is that I couldn’t figure out whether it was really my fault or not. Only later, when I broke up, I realized the problem isn’t me, but rather it’s on him.
3. They make it hard for you to say “no”
If you are a people pleaser, then this might hit differently for you.
When you are dating a toxic person, you may not realize this quickly. I even thought it was normal to always say “yes” to my partner.
After all, I wanted him to be happy in our relationship. But then the pressure seems too much to the point where I couldn’t even say “no” at all. I was afraid If I disagree, he would be disappointed with me.
Even on the days when I couldn’t mutter that “yes” word, I still do or go with his plans. It’s mentally exhausting and energy draining. This is because in a healthy relationship, it’s normal to have disagreements, and you may not like each other every day.
However, when you date a toxic person, it’s hard to disagree. They make you feel like you can’t disappoint them, and if you stuck with them long enough, you might think it’s a new normal.
4. They lie — a lot
Oh! You can’t even deal with the lies.
You know it deep down that they are lying, but you are too afraid to bring that up, and you already know the blaming game they’ll pull.
People who are in toxic relationships don’t realize how bad this treatment would affect their mental health — not to mention if you have trust issues from your childhood before.
Up until today, I still couldn’t heal fully from the toxic relationship I was in, even though it was already years ago. When the lies add up, it’s hard to see the truth anymore.
Another thing that I realized with this type of behavior is that they think some lies don’t matter much because they are small. It’s not! Lies are lies, and if they can’t even be honest about small things, how do you expect them to tell you the big important things?
So if you caught them lying more than a couple of times, it’s easier to call it quits rather than tolerating it because it usually doesn’t get better.
5. They are overly controlling and jealous
They’ll text or call all day all night, leaving you with no space to be alone.
You are out with your friends, and they demand you send a “proof” picture and get crazily jealous when your co-worker, who’s the opposite sex, asked to go for lunch.
I grew up in an environment where it’s normal to be treated like this. In fact, girls won’t feel loved by their boyfriends if they aren’t jealous or controlling. There’s no such healthy communication between the couple, and people are skeptical with couples who aren’t jealous/control each other.
It’s only later I realized that this is completely unhealthy. We all have our freedom and privacy, and a healthy working relationship is two people who respect that.
When you are in a normal relationship, it’s very expected to have ups and downs. A relationship takes a lot of hard work. But if you are in a toxic relationship, everything seems to be all great and all bad. There’s nothing in between. Self-doubt and guilt also the two feelings that you’ll feel the most.
It takes a lot of courage to leave and move forward. It also takes longer to convince yourself that you deserve better than this.
Dating a toxic person can be traumatizing, but it can certainly lead you to make a better choice for your next future partner.
“We should fight for our relationships, but if fighting means ripping yourself to shreds and piggybacking all his demons, you need to leave.”