When it comes to happy relationships, there’s one common story I’ve heard time and time again:
“I met my partner when I wasn’t looking.”
Or another variation —
“I was so done with relationships then suddenly I met my partner.”
These strangely compatible couples “suddenly” find each other in a coffee queue, when they’re volunteering for the local community, at a twice-removed cousin’s wedding, or even while buying groceries.
It’s like a happy relationship just falls right into their laps and, when asked about it, the only thing they could say is “Guess, I’m just lucky.”
But are they really lucky or there are other deeper reasons behind this fortunate outcome?
Here are 7 reasons why people often meet the love of their life when they aren’t looking:
1. They are Being Themselves.
When people stop looking, they drop the pressure of being a certain way to fit in with someone’s ideas of a dream partner. They are being themselves and they let their authentic self be seen.
When meeting new people, they prioritise enjoying themselves over pleasing others. This helps bring out their core qualities and naturally surrounds them with people who are similar to them or appreciate them for who they are, hence increasing their chance of finding a quality partner.
2. They Are Relaxed.
When they’re being themselves, they feel more relaxed and confident, and that makes them more attractive.
Instead of worrying about the outcome of a connection — whether it will turn into a date or a relationship or nothing at all, they let things be and exclusively navigate towards people who make them feel good.
They don’t get anxious when someone doesn’t behave in a way that they want or expect — they simply focus their energy and attention elsewhere. They don’t force a connection to be more than what it is — they observe and learn about people over time. This helps avoid rushing into false intimacy and build genuine relationships instead.
3. They Don’t Have an Agenda.
It’s good to have a dating goal when meeting romantic prospects, but things could go wrong if the goal becomes an obsessive agenda.
What’s the difference?
A person with a goal says, “I want to find a quality relationship with a partner who shares my values and life vision and I won’t stop searching until I’m in one.”
A person with an agenda says, “I must be in a relationship now and in two years I must get married and in three years I must have children. I don’t care what my date wants, I want them to follow my timeline.”
This person cares more about who can fill the “partner” position than finding a truly compatible relationship, which can signal obsession, desperation, and disingenuousness.
When someone is not actively looking for a relationship, however, they’re done with having an agenda. They have standards and boundaries, but they don’t have a script their love life must follow. When they meet the right person, the future reveals itself to them and they make life goals together with their partner.
4. They Don’t Make Romantic Relationships The One and Only Focus in Their Life.
People who believe being in a relationship would solve all their life problems are often ones who have the most problematic love life. It’s because their fixation on love leads them to overlook red flags, put too much pressure on the relationship, and ultimately objectify their partner.
They don’t see their partner as an individual whose feelings and behaviours might have nothing to do with them. Subconsciously they think their partner exists solely to write a love story with them. In a nutshell, their life only matters when they have a love interest and interact with this love interest; everything else is just pastime.
On the other hand, when someone leads a balanced life with relationships being only one thing on their list of priorities, they cultivate their identity and have things to give back to the connections they make. They don’t constantly take from these connections or expect these connections to meet all their needs.
They can meet their own needs and take responsibility for themselves. They leave room for other people to get to know them and come to them in their own time, which helps naturally nurture a new relationship into something healthy, mature. and solid.
5. They’re Open to Trying Different Things.
When people take a break from their love search, it’s likely that they want to invest in themselves and explore life out there — and so they’re open to trying new things. They push themselves out of their comfort zone by doing things they never thought they would do, things that scare them, things that send them to different parts of the world.
Not only does this help them expand their social circle, hence increasing their chance of meeting the love of their life, but it also makes them a more desirable partner with diverse interests and life experiences.
Which leads us to the next point…
6. They’re Open to Connecting with Different People
When they’re out doing different things, they’re likely to meet many new people and, since they don’t have set ideas of how a partner should be or a hidden agenda, they’re more mentally open and emotionally welcoming. They would connect with people who aren’t usually their type but turn out to suit them well in the long run.
In fact, they would connect with anyone, even just briefly, as they don’t see relationships as a means to an end. These connections usually lead to other connections and, before they know it, they’re only one gathering away from meeting their dream partner.
7. They Choose Happiness.
When people are done with finding a relationship, they’re done with putting themselves through emotional hell. They learn to make themselves happy and prioritise their happiness. They also develop a low tolerance for bullshit.
They’ve already faced their worst fear or the worst-case scenario which is being alone and they know they’re fine with it, so there’s no reason for them to compromise on important relationship matters. They would rather walk away and do life solo than stay in a bad relationship.
As a result, they’re more self-assured, carefree, and less stressed. They carry themselves with love and respect and attract people who do the same. See, when happy, self-fulfilled people meet, a good relationship is easy to happen.
The Key Takeaway
As you can see, people who have found themselves a quality, long-lasting relationship often share a few common traits as listed above and sometimes they acquire those traits as a by-product of having stopped searching for love altogether.
But you don’t have to give up on love to stumble upon healthy love. You can still want a relationship and have a dating goal in mind — you could simply adopt these traits to help you have the right mindset and approach when meeting new people.
Here’s a summary:
Let your authentic self be seen
Enjoy yourself in the process
Have a clear goal but not an agenda
Build a life you love
Get yourself out of your comfort zone