Compromising or Losing Yourself? 5 Warning Signs

Do you find yourself to be the one who makes an effort, so the relationship can keep going? Do you feel like something isn’t right, but you can’t pinpoint it? It’s tricky questions, and I know most people would just shrug the feelings off.

This is because we are told that to make a relationship work, we need to compromise. But what if you end up doing it too much? Then there’s nothing good comes out of it.

I remember once I dated a guy who I thought was too perfect for me. So I did everything to keep the relationship together. I was the one who has to check upon him. I was the one who needed to adapt to his schedule so we could talk. I was the one who worked on improving our communication issues.

And after months of trying, I gave up. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It took me to write a long list of what I’ve compromised way too much to realize how unhealthy it was.

Here are certain things usually happen when you compromise too much in your relationship:

1. You lie to yourself a lot

You know you aren’t honest with yourself when you keep saying “yes” to your partner, while deep down, you know it’s really a “no.” At first, things like this weren’t so obvious that you considered it normal.

But when it keeps happening, and you’ll begin to lose count on how many times you actually have to lie to keep your partner happy. Soon enough, you’ll also notice that awful feeling comes up more often than you expected.

I couldn’t see it earlier too because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I never let my ex-partner know how I really felt because I was too scared he wouldn’t be happy being with me anymore.

It’s hard being honest with your partner when you can’t even do it to yourself. If you keep lying about how certain things in the relationship make really you feel, at some point, you’ll hit a burn-out. You no longer feel like yourself, let alone trusting your gut.

2. You always drop everything to fulfill your partner’s expectations

It’s one thing to understand when your partner is busy, so he can only talk at certain hours of the day, but another thing to constantly chase them so you both can communicate.

You’ve probably seen many couples who call it quit because of the misunderstanding in their communication. This shows how important it is to constantly put in the work to make it better every day.

So if you find yourself being the one who always makes sure that everything’s okay, then you shouldn’t do it at all in the first place. No matter how busy they are or how crazy their work-life is, if they really want you, then they’ll call or text you. You don’t have to “beg” for their attention.

This also applies when it comes to your friendship. I’ve had one friend who canceled our plan literally 15 minutes before the meeting because her partner wanted to see her. If it happens once in a while, then we can let it slide, but more than a couple of times? A big no.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to ditch everything behind to be with your partner. Yes, they are important to you, but there’s also more to life than just a relationship. And you should be able to see when to prioritize it and when it’s okay for them to wait.

3. You no longer like what you see in the mirror

When I was in an unhealthy relationship, I didn’t take care of myself much because all my mind revolved around it and all the things that I should do to keep him happy.

I didn’t want to take some me-time and try doing something that has nothing to do with my relationship. Overall I put him above everything else, including my own needs.

Hating yourself isn’t the greatest feeling. It’s hard to see yourself in the mirror because you knew you’ve turned into someone that you aren’t proud of. Your life is full of taking care of someone’s else feeling and making them happy all the time meanwhile you are suffering inside.

4. People around you say you look unhappy

Have you known that one couple in your life that you think aren’t compatible? The guy cheats on the girl a lot, yet the girl stays. You can see clearly that it’s unhealthy, yet every time you talk to the girl, she seems to never “get it.”

When we are inside the relationship, it’s hard to see what’s wrong. Sometimes, it takes other people close to us to remind us that things might not be as good as it is in our mind.

It took me years to realize that what my friends said was actually right. I did look unhappy. Heck, I felt dead inside, and on top of that, I felt so drained and had nothing else to give. I was just too scared to confront the feeling.

When you are in a relationship, you hear people say that you don’t have to listen to what everybody else is trying to tell you. Because it’s your life and your relationship. They know nothing about you and your partner. So whatever people say, just shut it down.

But what if people come to you with the same opinions over and over again? Then maybe you need to give a listen and think about it through. We all hate to admit that we screwed up in life, but it’s better to fix things earlier than waiting until it’s too late.

5. You don’t have future goals outside the relationship

The last sign that’s pretty obvious is that you have no other goal in life outside the relationship itself. Yes, getting married to your partner is nice, but it can’t be the only one.

What about traveling to your dream country? Opening a business from scratch? or simply just leveling up in your career life? All those things can contribute to your overall happiness as well. And it’s easier to do because you have full control of it.

People don’t realize how insecure they can be when they focus too much on the relationship and have nothing else to do outside of it. I know this would happen because I’ve been there. No career goals, nothing.

If you feel guilty thinking about other goals outside the relationship, then you need to question that feeling. Is it because your partner won’t be supportive? Or you think you don’t believe you can be in a relationship when you have a big career life?

It’s possible to have a stable and healthy relationship while you chase your own dreams at the same time.

Parting words

If you’ve been having one of those signs, then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship before it gets too far:

What you can do:

  • When you feel like you’ve been the one who put the effort to keep the communication going, try to bring it up and see their take on it. If you think your partner is willing to listen to your concerns and try to improve them, then it’s most likely your partner was just clueless this whole time and you need to be more open moving forward.

  • Every time you try too hard to please your partner, take a step back and spend some time alone instead. Nurture yourself and give the love back to yourself first before you go out of your way to make someone else happy.

  • Self-care is important. Do something that makes you feel alive outside the relationship, so you don’t have to depend on your partner to fill the void.

  • When you feel like your needs aren’t being met, talk it out. You can’t be the one who keeps saying ‘yes” and got all your partner’s needs fulfilled, that will make the relationship imbalanced, and at some point, you’ll end up having lots of resentments towards your partner.

  • If you’ve tried your best to talk to them, yet they seemed to not putting the effort to make it better, then start redirecting your thoughts and energy back into your life. Work on yourself so you’ll gain some confidence in letting them go.

Anggun Bawi

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