When a relationship ends, especially if you were more invested than your ex, it’s natural to dissect what went wrong.
You think of all the things you must have screwed up and wish you could change. The worst feeling comes when you see your ex with a new partner whom they seem to treat better than you. No — they even transform themselves into a prince charming, far from your reality. It hurts. It makes your blood boil to think you gave them your all while they walked all over you — specifically you.
You can’t help but reason that it’s something about you that made them put in such a low effort. It brings out your insecurity where you feel the weakest. All the what-ifs and could-haves drive you mad as you wonder how good it must feel if you were their dream girl, how amazing your life would be if the relationship had worked out perfectly.
I understand. All your feelings are valid. All your thoughts make sense. But let me give you this one insight that will free you from all of this.
If someone is wrong for you, their best will never be enough for you.
There, you have it.
Let’s dissect this insight and iron out some truths.
“Even if your ex turned into a prince charming for you, he wouldn’t be the prince charming you want.”
1. Your ex is wrong for you.
If your ex was compatible with you, he would still be with you, making you happy and fulfilled.
The fact that you feel hurt comparing yourself to your ex’s new girlfriend is enough evidence that he failed to treat you the way you would like to be treated, and so you were right to get rid of him.
2. There was nothing you could have done to make your ex treat you better.
The only thing that makes someone treat you better is because they want to.
Why didn’t your ex want to? Who knows. It’s out of your control.
The bottom line is that it wasn’t your fault that he was such a shitty partner.
3. Your relationship didn’t fail just because of how bad they treated you.
Your ex and you were incompatible. Your needs weren’t met.
If you were highly compatible and your ex chose to treat you — specifically you — poorly, your ex had psychological issues, and you should be glad you’ve dodged a bullet.
In this case, think about it — you don’t know if your ex is actually that amazing to his new girlfriend. You’re not in that relationship with them. Your ex might have serious problems, and his new girlfriend might end up feeling the same way you did.
4. Even if your ex gave you their best, it wouldn’t work for you.
Core compatibility issues in a relationship aren’t solved just because both partners decide to put a lot of effort into solving them.
They would have to change themselves fundamentally for the relationship to work, and it’s neither possible nor worth the time.
Even if your ex turned into a prince charming for you, he wouldn’t be the prince charming you want, and you wouldn’t be able to appreciate his effort. You would still feel unhappy and unfulfilled, and so would he.
The wise decision is to move on and find a compatible relationship in which putting in more effort would return exponentially better relationship experiences.
Well, it’s what your ex did, apparently. And so should you.
“Compatibility issues in a relationship aren’t solved just because both partners decide to put a lot of effort into solving them.”
A reminder for you
If seeing your ex with a new partner evokes negative emotions in you, perhaps it’s a sign for you to check your own healing process.
Whoever your ex is with and however they treat their partners before or after you shouldn’t be your concern. Your ex is out of your life now; your focus should be on you and how you want to be treated.
When you feel ready to put yourself out there, remember that if someone is right for you, their normal will be plenty.