10 Types of Guys You Should Immediately Block If You Have An Anxious Attachment Style
Attachment theory in the context of adult relationships refers to the way an individual reacts to their needs and goes about meeting those needs. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised.
In this article, I will focus solely on the anxious attachment style.
Having an anxious attachment style means you don’t trust that love is safe. You have negative expectations that you will be ignored or abandoned so you’re hypersensitive to any signs of distances — either emotional or physical. You constantly seek reassurance and closeness to ease your anxiety and feel okay again.
If this is you, dating isn’t a fun, exciting activity; it can be painful.
Every time you put yourself out there, you risk getting triggered and having your well-being seriously damaged. That’s why you should be selective about who you let in your life and have a dating strategy.
Here are 10 types of people you should avoid dating:
1. Workaholics
These are the people who prioritise work before all else. Their identity is tied to their job. They might be out dating but their mind always circles back to the office because the job gives them more thrill than anything else in their life.
Why you should avoid them:
You will never come first. They only have limited time and attention for you. Plans are frequently canceled. They might even leave you mid-date or… mid-sex to tend to some business-related issues. When you need them to reassure you, they’re busy reassuring their clients. Eventually, you will get so fed up that you make them choose between you and their job and we already know who’s the winner (Hint: Not you, sorry.)
Signs to watch out for:
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Dates are usually set up late in the evening on a weekday because that’s when they’re off work.
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They’re frequently busy at weekends.
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They answer work emails and/or calls while on the date.
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They take rainchecks because of work.
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90% of their conversations are about work.
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They work in the fields that are notoriously overly demanding (e.g. investment bankers, lawyers, business owners, etc.)
2. Full-time travellers
These are the people who never stay in one place for longer than a year or maybe even months. They’re free spirits who go on one adventure after another. If not for personal interests, then their business would require them to be away all the time.
Why you should avoid them:
They are never around long enough to build a stable, secure relationship with you. Communication tends to be sporadic — either because they’re busy living their life somewhere else or there is no WIFI connection where they’re at. They will be absent most of the times and you’ll be left alone with your anxiety and unmet needs.
Signs to watch out for:
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Dates are far apart.
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They constantly have trips coming up.
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They’re slow to respond to messages.
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They work in fields that require frequent traveling (e.g. consultants, artists going on tours, etc.)
3. Emotionally unavailable people
These people might be newly divorced, recently separated, have just got out of a long-term relationship, or simply have too many unresolved emotional issues. They are physically there with you, but their heart is closed off, and the guard is up high.
Why you should avoid them:
They’re not emotionally present for you and will not be able to meet your emotional needs at all. When you want to get close, they will want space. When you think you’re bonding with them and progressing the relationship, you’re only making empty memories together. They’re too consumed with their own unavailability to see you fully.
Signs to watch out for:
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They say they’re not looking for anything serious right now.
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They talk too much about exes or past relationships.
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They pull away when you express a desire to get closer.
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Their communication is sporadic.
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Their behaviours are inconsistent.
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They act hot and cold.
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They come on strong in the beginning.
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You’re worried about scaring them away.
4. People who don’t have a clear dating goal
These people don’t know what they’re looking for when it comes to relationships; heck, they might not even know what they’re looking for in life altogether. They’re passive in love, go with the flow, and like to enjoy the moments.
Why you should avoid them:
When your need for closeness increases as you bond with them, you’ll be met with their unsureness which will raise your anxiety level through the roof. The relationship never seems to progress and the level of intimacy is mostly on the surface. You never really know where you stand with them. Meanwhile, you feel the pressure to be the chill girl to match their energy while feeling ashamed for having emotions and wanting more with them.
Signs to watch out for:
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They say they don’t like labels, they want to see where things go.
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They never initiate dates or texts.
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They prefer spontaneity.
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They don’t have their acts together.
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They suggest low-key dates.
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They use words like “hanging out” to refer to your dating situation.
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You have never met their friends and family.
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You have never seen their apartment.
5. Bad communicators
For whatever reason, these people don’t call or text often. They’re also slow to respond and, once they respond, the messages are short and unemotional. When you’re apart, you rarely hear from them. When you have a conflict, they often choose silence and you have no idea what’s going on.
Why you should avoid them:
They won’t give you the reassurance you need when your anxiety is triggered and, trust me, dating them, your anxiety will be triggered more often than you sneeze.
At some point, you won’t know if it’s just because they’re genuinely bad at texting or it’s because they’re just not that into you.
But it doesn’t even matter because it makes you feel nauseous all the same. Also, you stand a dangerously high risk of being breadcrumbed.
Signs to watch out for:
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They don’t contact you in between dates.
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They say they’re a bad texter.
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They are very slow to see and reply to messages.
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They write short messages and often fail to respond to things you pointed out in their previous messages.
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They have little online presence.
6. Extreme hobbyists
These people invest a significant amount of personal resources (time, money, energy) in their hobbies. Their hobbies become a core part of their identity. If they’re not engaging in their hobbies, they feel anxious, like something is missing.
Why you should avoid them:
You’re never their first priority. If you don’t have the same hobbies as theirs, you will likely never see them around the weekends or otherwise have to compete with their hobbies for time and attention.
There’s also a possibility that they’re using their hobbies to distract themselves from deeper emotional issues and, if that’s the case, they’re not emotionally available for you — or even themselves for that matter.
Signs to watch out for:
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They are not usually around during the weekends.
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They seem to do the same activities (that require high investment) for fun every week or even every day.
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They spend a lot of money on their hobbies.
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They’d rather engage in their hobbies than talk about themselves.
7. People with low emotional intelligence and/or empathy
These people are not good with emotions and struggle to put themselves in other people’s shoes. They don’t take social cues well, feel overwhelmed by other people’s emotional reactions, avoid talking about themselves or their feelings.
Why you should avoid them:
They won’t understand your anxiety or attachment issues. They won’t respond appropriately to your needs. They will likely call you clingy or crazy if you show them your anxiety. It’s like talking to the wall, except that their lack of empathy will intensify your anxiety and make you do things you’re ashamed of to prove yourself to them. It’s an endless cycle.
Signs to watch out for:
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They tend to talk more about things than people.
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They lack common sense.
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They’re unintentionally rude or insensitive.
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They talk about themselves a lot.
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They rarely ask you any personal questions.
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They say their exes are crazy.
8. People who are based far away
These people don’t live in the same city as you or work miles away most of the week. To go on dates with them, either one of you will have to drive hours each time. Basically, it’s a long-distance situation.
Why you should avoid them:
They can’t be with you on a daily basis. They can’t come to you quickly when your anxiety is triggered and you need them. The basis of your communication will be online and it will worsen your anxiety. There’s just too much room for feeling ignored and abandoned.
Signs to watch out for:
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They don’t live in the same area as you.
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They’re about to move away.
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They have plans to move away.
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They’re only in town on a business trip.
9. People who have too many responsibilities
These people juggle many things at once and never seem to have a moment for themselves, let alone dating. They might be working full time while running a side business or they have dependents to take care of.
Why you should avoid them:
You’re not their first priority. You’re only getting a small portion of their time and energy and it’s not enough for your attachment anxiety. You might even unintentionally get involved with a married person, which only ends in heartbreak or even trauma for you.
Signs to watch out for:
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They say they’re busy.
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They come on strong and slowly distance themselves.
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They don’t really have time for dates.
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They cut dates short.
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They’re missing in actions.
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They’re usually stressed out.
10. Commitment phobes
These people might be happy to do all the couple things with you but they don’t like labels and show reluctance when you want to progress the relationship. They associate commitment with negative notions such as “trap”. This is not only applied to their love life, however. They have the same attitudes in friendships and other daily activities. They don’t like to be tied down to plans.
Why you should avoid them:
They won’t be able to meet your needs for intimacy and closeness. They always have one foot out of the door, leaving you wanting more. They will likely string you along and waste all the best years of your life.
Signs to watch out for:
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They have never been in a serious relationship.
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Their past relationships are all short-lived (except for maybe one official relationship from high school).
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You have never met their close friends or family.
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Every time you seem to get closer, they pull away.
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They’re flakey and often late to meetings.
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They ask you out last minute.
Key takeaways
It goes without saying that if you have an anxious attachment style, you should actively work on your attachment issues in therapy or by your own research.
Meanwhile, in your dating life, you should choose people who help you become more secure in yourself and don’t trigger you for any reason.
Fundamentally, you need someone who
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priortises you
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has lots of time and attention for you
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is close to you geographically
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understands your anxiety
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has high emotional intelligence and empathy
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chooses to commit to you.
Anyone who can’t do these things for you is not right for you in the long run. You’d be better off staying single than getting involved with people who can’t meet your needs and only worsen your attachment anxiety (such as those listed above).
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