I’m Done Living a Silent Life As a Divorced Woman

By Vinita Ramtri

I wrote this piece in bar Novikov in London’s Green Park area, sipping a cocktail called ‘Don’t Call Me Baby’. The cocktail and the situation inspired this piece.

I was meant to be here on a first date with someone I’d recently connected on a dating site. He had to rearrange and I found myself with an evening to spare. Since I was already in Central London, I decided that I was going to have a beautiful evening regardless.

After all, if he was going to enjoy my company, there was no reason I could’t enjoy it too!

Before we go any further, I’ll tell you a bit about myself — I’m in my forties and divorced.

So when I speak of dating, I speak not only from research and conversations but also from my own experience of having been married until 35 and then single since.

And it’s one of those open and honest heartwarming conversations with a friend that inspired me to write this.

So here goes.

During one of my visits to India, I met up with Shivani, an old friend who’s now widowed. She’s the same age as me and we’re both Indian by ethnicity.

As we began chatting, I asked how she was getting on.

Despite having come into my own and established a somewhat successful life since the divorce, I constantly endure the stigma surrounding a ‘failed’ marriage and dating later in life, so I checked in on Shivani.

As we spoke, we realised that I was more seasoned in a space where she was only just starting out. So very quickly, our heart-to-heart turned into a coaching and mentoring session.

Here’s a photo of us on that afternoon in Pune.

Many of us live silent lives

Regardless of culture, gender, or anything else, I know, from countless interactions, that there are just too many of us living silent exclusions.

So my aim here is to help spread the word that you’re not alone — and if need be, then help you find your voice.

I also believe that mindsets about dating need to change. If by sharing a slice of our lives and our vulnerabilities, we can help make a dent, then this is well worth it.

We’re still smiling and killing it so yes, it can be done!

A sneak peek into our lives

First, Shivani and I level set on what we experienced by comparing notes on societal perceptions and changes in tone.

Imagine it as ‘a day in the life of…’ either one of us. Perhaps, you might recognise some of these too.

We were both deeply aware of the changes because our world changed very suddenly— almost like an earthquake. There were events, some called them disasters, and after they struck, things changed forever — close friends, family, everyone, and everything.

Call it our new normal if you like!

Perhaps a hard reset.

We both noted that when we were on our own, we got oodles of pity for being ‘the poor thing who didn’t have a man looking after her.’ I still get pitied for being a successful woman who works too hard to make ends meet.

When we appeared too strong for pity, then we were overly ambitious and told to slow down. After all, ‘we weren’t so young anymore,’ we were kindly reminded, lest we forget.

When we were seen with someone, we’d be asked, ‘Is he the one?’

God forbid if you said you had no such plans. because then, you’d just be fast.

‘Oh, so you’re just hooking up then? Didn’t know you were the kind.’

In Shivani’s case, they wondered that perhaps she didn’t love her husband to begin with.

If you kissed too soon, you were fast. Sex outside of wedlock, hell no! Holiday? Who said single women were entitled to holidays? There was a clear expectation that I should only be seen traveling with family or other girls. Anything else would be inappropriate.

Oh yes and only one relationship at a time, please.

‘Is one man not enough for you then?’ they’d smile.

Remember, we are both financially secure and bold women so although we sensed every objection, we continued to do what we felt was right in our judgment— but equally, we know of women who are in less fortunate situations and sometimes take on the stress to comply with societal pressures.

So How do we respond to it all?

Sometimes, we feel victimised and fade into silent lives. At other times, we label the society as insensitive and pass the blame.

But my piece is about taking ownership and turning things around.

It’s about accepting that although relationships are often viewed with a gendered lens and moral police feel entitled to slam rules and assumptions on us all, I truly believe that people, at the unit of one, usually mean well.

It’s also about being sensitive enough to assess the balance required and being sensible enough to create it because we do have a choice. We all have a choice and we always have a choice.

We all have a choice and we always have a choice.

Tuning out to societal pressures completely is rarely an option because we’re social beings after all. A lot of these comments and observations stem from people we love and respect so more often than not, we will care.

When society asks your parents what’s going on, they hurt. When they hurt, you’ll hurt too and you’ll need to figure how you will respond. Doing something is a response. Doing nothing is a response too.

Doing something is a response. Doing nothing is a response too.

So if you share our space or know someone who does, then here’s a bit on what to expect and some ideas on how to move on or help someone to do so.

1. Expect your universe to change

No matter what community to belong to, when you announce that you’re going to be saying goodbye to your marriage, the news is hard to accept and it’s a difficult change to land.

From financials, to emotions, culture to mindsets, a lot needs to be changed — and everyone must be taken on the journey. Even if you’re struggling personally, you need to take everyone along with you so that they come to appreciate your space and see you at the other end.

Although we know that about 4% of adults in the 35–39 years range are divorced, we like to believe that these aren’t people we know. Developed countries are more accepting of singledom and developing nations less so. We know that from experience — I live and breathe this variation.

When I went from being married to one filing divorce, messages of concern and condolence came rolling in.

‘Can’t the just pretend?’ asked a well-wisher.

‘Is there any hope?’ asked another.

Hearing the line still makes me feel as though I’d just been struck by cancer.

I wasn’t dying but perhaps in the eyes of the society, it was no less than a death sentence.

As fame will turn to shame, you’ll either be isolated, pitied, envied or even eyed — because there’ll be many who’d now see you as a used item readily available for fun.

As soon as I was single, married men, even family friends, surfaced and offered to help.

‘You must be lonely,’ they’d ask.

Not to mention wives who began to see me as a threat.

2. Acknowledge reality

Next, remember that although this will annoy you and hurt you deeply, it won‘t fade overnight.

No matter what you do, you’re just not going to be able to rewrite age-old belief systems overnight.

Hence, in that moment of grief and anxiety, don’t take it upon yourself to do so. Sure, fight your battles but make sure you have enough ammo to fight another day.

Acknowledge reality and consider your options. You can be a victim, martyr, or take charge.

Shivani and I were totally both done pretending so our choice was a no brainer. We were going to live life on our own terms.

3. Let go of labels

As I said, the moment you’re out with someone, you might be asked if this is your new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Also if you are labelled single, you may be pressured to ‘move on’ in some sense almost as though the single label is usually seen as a pit stop at best.

If you prefer not to be celebrating or dating too much, then perhaps that too could be seen as worrying. My family thought I was depressed.

Just don’t worry. We all get that. Men included. Let it go.

If you don’t want to label your relationships, then leave them as they are. If you don’t want to date, that’s fine too.

Accept the moments for what they are. Once again, let it go and just do your thing.

Formal meetings need outcomes and actions, but when it comes to the meeting of minds, not every beginning has to have an end in mind. There is immense beauty in fluidity.

Formal meetings need outcomes and actions, but when it comes to the meeting of minds, not every beginning has to have an end in mind. There is immense beauty in fluidity.

Here’s an example of a chat I had just last week with an acquaintance.

Him: How was the weekend? Did you do anything fun?

Me: Went on a date…

Him: So does he meet the selection criteria?

Me: What criteria? It’s not a job advert with essentials and desirables. Let him be.

Him: Oh I assumed that your family arranged for you to meet someone.

That brings me on to my next point.

4. Accept that not everyone will want to know

Although this might sound harsh, I’ll tell you this.

Many people will struggle to comprehend this dimension of your life and some will even refuse to hear about it.

This will of course vary by culture and other factors. In several cultures, discussing relationships as a divorced woman or a widow is similar to ‘coming out,’ and speaking of it makes people uncomfortable.

This is something to accept and address gently.

As for me, I’ve been divorced five years and my parents still can’t discuss the concept of ‘moving on.’ That conversation is a no go.

5. There are no random dates

There seems to be an assumption that anyone in your life who isn’t working towards marriage is pretty much worthless.

If you consider your life and your time to be precious, then by that logic, people whom you choose to share your time with, are precious. That’s all there is to this.

If you consider your life and your time to be precious, then by that logic, people whom you choose to share your time with, are precious. That’s all there is to this.

So give each person the attention they truly deserve and revel in moments for what they are. I’ve dated several people, from jewellers to hedge fund managers, football managers to saxophone players, and all I can say is that with every interaction, I’ve grown as a person.

6. It’s the moments that count

No matter what kind of life you lead, there is one thing you don’t want to forget. You don’t want to forget to live.

No matter what kind of life you lead, there is one thing you don’t want to forget. You don’t want to forget to live.

It doesn’t matter if you live countless precious memories with a family you love or countless precious moments in a broader circle of friends — what matters only is that you live truly and wholly.

Parting words

Finally, I’ll pen off saying that the way I see life, there is no such thing as a perfect person, a perfect label, or a perfect status.

By virtue of the fact that there are over 7.5 billion people in this world, there are infinite permutations and combinations of a life well-lived. While certain pathways may be popular, they shouldn’t be confused with success and definitely don’t guarantee happiness.

Instead of spending a lifetime trying to prove or disprove the arguments and insist upon societal approval at the cost of inner peace, simply start where you are, with what you have. Focus on what you want and then work to shape this into a life well-lived.