One of the most common questions I get from my lady friends, as their trusted relationship writer and confidant, is:
“When should I have sex with him?”
They’re worried they might be having sex too soon and the guy will pull away after sex.
In many cases, they’ve already had sex and the guy has already pulled away and now they’re left with regrets and disappointments. They’re convinced that if they had waited it out, the guy would’ve pursued them more and wanted a relationship with them.
I look at my own dating life and definitely remember having this thought process. And I know many others have experienced the same.
Well, browse through any dating forum — there’s a woman who beats herself up over having sex with a guy who ghosts her the next day.
That said, this scenario isn’t gender-specific — it could happen to anyone who’s looking for more than just sex.
If it was a few years back, I could totally imagine myself being that woman on the dating forum crying her heart out, believing the fault was all mine. But hindsight is 20/20.
I’m telling you right now (and I’m also telling my past self) that if you regret having sex with someone too soon because they have now lost interest and the relationship is non-existent, don’t.
What I’ve learned is this —
Deciding when you should have sex with someone is not about them or keeping their interest.
If you hold off sex to keep someone pursuing you, it’s a power move. And if you think of sex this way, especially as a woman, you will always end up losing — losing their interest should be the least of your problem (honestly, good riddance), you will lose yourself first.
Whether you should have sex with someone, and when to do that, should be all about you — What are you looking for with this person? Are you emotionally, physically, psychologically ready to experience the cocktail of chemicals that might get you attached or even fall in love with this person? What can you do to make sure you feel ready?
There’s no such thing as “rushing into sex” if you’re informed and ready.
That said, I know we don’t always have sex with people when we’re completely ready.
It doesn’t help that we’re self-critical. When things don’t work out, we think it’s all our fault. But is it? If they pull away after sex, what does it say about them?
Here’s a logical answer from a Redditor about a male-female situation which made me nod in agreement:
“There are four likely scenarios:
1. He was earnestly into you, but he didn’t connect with the sex, so he lost interest.
2. He felt like he was into you, but the anticipation of sex clouded his judgment. Once the judgment cloud was removed, he understood he wasn’t actually interested.
3. He was earnestly into you but then you had sex and his patriarchal radar deemed you not relationship-material.
4. He only wanted sex in the first place.
If there’s one scenario out of those 4 in which “waiting” might have changed the outcome, that’s number 3.
But do you actually want to be with someone who has such archaic views, whether conscious or not? Surely it wouldn’t be limited to just this one instance — where else would his sexism creep out?”
— u/artichokess, Reddit
Give this Redditor a clap!
See, there isn’t one scenario that you should think twice about someone who makes you regret having sex with them.
Wait, seriously, why would you want to be with someone who makes you regret having sex with them?
Okay, I know, it’s not just about them — you’re disappointed at yourself.
The fact that you have sex when you’re not ready makes you mad. You blame yourself for having weak boundaries, for putting yourself in a vulnerable position, for ruining a promising relationship. You think you should know better.
Let me tell you this — you’re where you are at in life. Accept it. You know better now, not then, and it’s okay. If you’re worried about having weak boundaries, you can work on them, no problem.
But you’re missing a very important insight into why you actually rush into sex with someone who doesn’t end up staying with you.
You rush into sex because that’s the most interesting thing to do with them.
There, you have it — You rush into sex because nothing else is more fun.
Sex is not why you don’t end up in a long-lasting relationship together. Heck, sex might even be the only reason why you’re even together at all.
The truth of the matter is — you’re not deeply compatible with each other on any other level other than sex. You might not even be connected with yourself so you overly focus on sex, whether you’re conscious of it or not.
Either way, even if you wait to have sex with these people, it will never work out.
What to Do Next Time
Dating should be fun but, in reality, it’s challenging and heart-wrenching. So before you put yourself out there, make sure you’re in a good place. You know what you’re looking for and you don’t jump into a situation without knowing where it’s going.
If you’re already out there and are having a hard time forgiving yourself for rushing into sex with someone, rest assured that you’ve done nothing wrong and you deserve someone who doesn’t make you regret having sex with them.
There are people out there who you’re so mentally connected with and have so much fun talking to that you naturally feel sex can wait. There are people out there who will treat you right and make you realise why none of those past situations worked out.
If you’re looking for a relationship, this dating approach will be helpful for you.