I’m Sorry It Took Me So Long To Move On

I’m sorry it took me so long to move on. Let me explain.

When I first encountered you, I made a wrong judgment. I got fixated on you before even knowing you. I was also in a very bad place, which made me easily carried away and too weak to draw any boundary. So when the real you started to be revealed to me and the gap between that and my idea of you kept widening, I couldn’t handle it. I stressed us both. I lost it. And we crashed. I knew we weren’t right for each other but, at that point, it was already too late. I was already too attached. I couldn’t let go despite knowing better.

I know I acted like a mess. I really was. I was irrationally, superficially interested in you. I also got stuck with the idea of you. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you just like that. It was too abrupt, too cold-hearted for a Cancerian girl like me. I wasn’t prepared. I had nowhere to turn to and my unhealthy lifestyle at the time finally caught up with me. Consequently, my emotional floodgate was open. My anxiety was triggered. My perspective was warped. Then one thing led to another, I made mistake after mistake, I crossed the lines I’d never imagined I would ever cross, I let myself go too far.

Meanwhile, I was perplexed by my discovery of the real you. You weren’t who I’d thought you were. I’m not going to say you were good or bad. You have many awesome qualities and I’m sure you’re a great guy to many people. We’re just different and you’re just not my guy. Simply, we just didn’t click. I showed you me — vulnerable me — because I thought you would get it. But the real you didn’t and don’t, leading to many unfortunate conflicts and hurt feelings. The real you belong to a world that is very different from mine and it’s all for natural reasons. We’re from two different cultures, with two different worldviews, different personalities, different lifestyles, different social circles, different priorities, and even different hobbies. I knew if I wanted to be liked by you, I had to be someone else, and I just couldn’t keep it up.

Our issues and my past issues rolled into a ball too ugly and heavy that it took me months and months to crawl out of it. After enough back and forth between us, your straightforwardness, my therapy, my effort to go no contact, my time spent finding myself again, I get your perspective now; I get your world now. And finally, I’m able to move on. It was never just about wanting a relationship, or sex, or anything like that. It was mostly about me, my emotional baggage and overwhelming anxiety. I couldn’t just move on like you did, I had to unpack everything right there and then. And for this, I’m sorry. I dragged you into my inner complex and you failed to handle our situation properly. But hey, we were both in this together, like you said, and you were absolutely right. Well, life happens, eh?

I’m sorry it took me so long to move on. I’m not very chill, as you can see. But it’s okay. There is you and then there is me in this world. We just got to appreciate the variety, right? Anyway, the good thing is, I’ve grown so much. In fact, I had never grown this much before. My horizon has been expanded, my limit has been stretched, (many of) my fixations have been resolved. I’ve come to feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I could tell in my gut that I’m on the right path. I’m closer and closer to the woman I want to be. I’m looking right at the life that would work very well for me. And it’s all so real, so solid. It’s like I’ve been reborn. One day, I will be able to regulate my emotions on demand and handle people and situations gracefully with just the right amount of feels, but it means I have to go through this first.

Speaking of which, the biggest lesson this experience with you has taught me is: there are so many different people and different ways of looking at life that 1) we should keep our mind radically open and treat people as they come, and 2) we have choices over our own reality so we should surround ourselves with what works best for us and respect the rest. We don’t have to compare ourselves to others, to feel wrong or not enough. After all, we’re all interconnected; we’re different but also very similar at the core. We simply have to know ourselves really well, embrace it, and build the inner strength to let go of what isn’t for us. No fight, no battle. Life can be made very simple and easy, really.

I suppose you wouldn’t get this kind of writing if you somehow read it, just like you didn’t get any of my long heart-felt text messages the way they were intended — Nah, I don’t even think you need any of these insights, you’re doing well for yourself. I should have totally handled you on your level (capacity and perspective wise), but I insisted on being true to myself and assumed you would understand it — It was ineffective. Absolutely my bad. So, I’m writing this for me and the people who could see my world. I admit all my wrongdoing and I promise to be a better person. And to you, I hope you all the best. I’m very happy for you. I accept everything that happened the way it did. I forgive you for any hurt you caused me. I’m sorry for any negativity I put you through and, again, for taking so long to move on. I’m very grateful for the growth.

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