The Truth is Some People Are Not Capable of Giving You the Closure You Need

Have you ever dated someone and felt like you were completely alone in the relationship? Have you ever gotten “ghosted” — someone disappeared on you without a word? Have you ever been left behind with your overwhelming feelings and emotions, questioning whether they were real at all?

It’s what’s commonly known as “lacking closure”.

In the context of romantic relationships, you want to get closure from our ex-partners — or the people you were romantically or sexually involved with — by having them answer all of your questions about the relationship, their feelings for you, their opinions of you, and the break-up.

You want to know everything there is to know — especially that your perspective was valid and you weren’t “crazy” to feel what you felt.

You need everything concerning the relationship to make sense to you and be thoroughly explained by your ex-partners whenever you request.

You want to have a sense of control over the break-up and of the narrative of your shared experiences.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen.

Not always do you get closure from people.

More often than not, your pain and grief feel unjustified. You’re alone with your feelings and thoughts, and little makes sense to you. You don’t understand why someone who was so interested in you could become a stranger and want nothing to do with you in a heartbeat.

You think you might have gone crazy as you wonder how something so significant to you could be so easy for them to shrug off and whether your perception was wrong after all.

It doesn’t help that they aren’t sitting you down and being completely honest with you about why things happened the way they did. They aren’t listening to your version of the story and telling you that they get it and your reactions are absolutely normal.

So you have no choice but to find closure in your journals, your therapy sessions, a few months or even years later when you get a text message from them acting like nothing happened and you tell yourself that’s enough.

Sometimes you never even get your closure, or perhaps you get closure but it does not satisfy you. Or worse, it wounds you even more.

You just have to move on with your life and get to a point where we can’t be arsed to care about the past anymore.

But it feels weird not having the closure you need from your ex-partners.

When you think about it, it hurts being left in the dark; it’s heavy bearing the emotional weight of a failed relationship all on your own; it’s mind-boggling accepting that your understanding of certain past events — while involving someone else — will be true to you and you only.

The reality is, sometimes you don’t get closure because some people are not going to be there to validate your shared experiences.

Frankly, some people are not capable of giving you the closure you need.

It’s because they lack the emotional depth and empathy to see your perspective and feel what you feel.

What’s heavy to you is light to them. What’s complex to you is simple to them. What’s difficult to you is easy to them. What’s unfinished to you is finished to them.

You are two fundamentally different people who are clearly not compatible with each other. The fact that they’re not giving you closure or not capable of giving you the closure you need is telling in itself.

If you’re still expecting closure from them or fantasize about a time when they reach out to you to apologise sincerely for hurting you or extend you their compassion, you’re in denial.

You’re not dealing with reality — you’re dealing with your own imagination and it’s counterproductive.

If your past relationship was traumatic or abusive, seeking closure is not only counterproductive but also dangerous. You should cut your ex-partner off immediately.

Here’s a reminder for you.

Everything you felt was valid. Your version of the past is valid — whether they agree with you or not. Give it the space it deserves.

You’re entitled to your experiences.

It’s why you often hear that you find closure from within you, not your ex-partners.

The only closure you need from them is that they’re not here with you and, for whatever reason, they don’t see your perspective.

It’s a reflection of their limitations, not you.

It doesn’t make your perspective any less important or real. It just makes you two a closed chapter and you better spend your time elsewhere because it’s the time you can never get back.

How to Validate Your Own Experiences?

There are many ways you could validate your own past experience — without the help of someone who had that experience with you — while moving forward with your life.

  • Share it with a trusted friend

  • Talk to a therapist about it

  • Write about it to yourself or an audience

  • Reflect on your side of the experiences.

In some serious cases where your experiences were traumatic and you don’t (or couldn’t) properly process those experiences, you might get intrusive thoughts or recurring nightmares (post-trauma nightmares). You might want to seek professional treatments or try some simple strategies to sleep better such as exercising during the day and avoiding screentime before bed.

If none of these self-validation methods works for you (for example, you can’t go to therapy or share about it with other people), know that — regardless of closure — the experience has become part of you. It’s real and it isn’t for nothing; it’s how you find meaning and depth in this life journey.

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