You May Actually Suck At Being Single. Here’s How to Enjoy The Hell Out of It.

Taking a dating hiatus was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

It was a safe and pleasantly boring period for me to stabilise myself and look into my issues without the burden of new ones. It was tough, but it allowed me to start fresh from a place of strength.

I got to redefine what “being alone” meant for me and learn how to be single… or, you could say, be me.

For the first time, I felt okay. Contained.

Later on, when I put myself out there again and met my now-fiance, it was a choice, not a need. Dating was empowering and fun.

For once, I was in the driver’s seat, and I wasn’t scared of being alone because I had been there during my dating hiatus and it was lovely.

How to redefine “aloneness” and enjoy the hell out of being single

I used to be scared of being single, so I decided to face it head-on by imagining what would happen if I was single for the rest of my life.

I started to think of “being alone” as my default state and being in a relationship simply as an alternative.

I stopped living my single life as though it was a means to an end while I expanded my definition of “love”: Love can come from many different sources, not just romantic relationships. They’re fulfilling in their own ways.

My relationship status might change, but my self-worth doesn’t.

Here are 4 tips to help you embrace being single:

1. Ask yourself: If you knew for sure that you would be single for the rest of your life, how would you live your life?

Do it now.

Don’t live your life in a way that you think would make you a perfect partner for someone. Live your life in a way that makes you your best and find a suitable partner to join you along the way if you want.

Trust that your authenticity and love for life are attractive as hell and will bring you the right people.

2. Remember that the role of a relationship is to enhance your life, not to validate your self-worth

It means that a relationship doesn’t make you “good enough” — you already are.

If you want a relationship, then it would be the same as setting any other goals in your life. Don’t let it become a toxic goal.

“A toxic goal is a goal that is made based on negativity, such as what you hate about yourself and what you think you’re lacking. This goal isn’t set to better you but to quiet the fear that you’re not enough. It focuses more on what people think of you than what value is added to your life.” (Source)

On the other hand, a healthy goal comes from a place of love and inspiration. It’s supposed to add value to your life.

A toxic goal: I want to find someone because I’m scared of being alone forever. I hate my life! If nobody loves me, I’m worthless!

A healthy goal: My life is awesome! I want to find someone to share it with to double the joy. But, if not, my life is still awesome!

3. If you live in a culture that has marriage as the default, make space for yourself

Whatever culture you’re living in, no matter how much pressure you face to get married (I’m from Vietnam, I know the pain!), you’re not the only single person.

There are many single people around you at different life stages. So it makes no sense to live in shame for something that is so normal and says little about you as a human being.

Plus, it’s not like succumbing to the pressure of society will magically give you a partner, let alone a compatible one. It totally ignores the fact that many people are in shitty relationships and can’t even get out.

Think bigger: Maybe you don’t need to change; your society does. And if you want it to change, you need to start advocating for singledom and stop allowing people to shame you for it.

This solution is extreme but you might even want to move to a place that is more friendly to single people — you only have one life!

4. Focus on what you are

Being in a relationship and being single are simple two different states of being. Both have their pros and cons.

So, whichever states you have decided — or happen — to be in, don’t think about anything else and just have fun with it.

Are you single? Then train your mind to obsess about all the benefits of being single and fill your time doing things you can only do when single. Meanwhile, you can strengthen your non-romantic relationships and learn to date with intention.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side; the grass is green wherever you water it.

Parting words

If you want to find a happy relationship and date with confidence, I believe that you need to know deep down:

1. It’s indeed lovely to be single.

2. You’d rather be single than be in a shitty relationship.

3. For you to be in a relationship now, it’d take someone really solid who adds real value to your life.

Plus, you need that alone time to unf*ck your brain and learn better relationship habits, which will help you in every aspect of your life.

So, when in doubt, take a break from dating. Learn to be alone. It’s okay. It’s your chance to step into your whole self and turn your life around.