If You Spot These 7 Signs, Your Partner is Not “The One”

I thought the heavens had parted, and the woman of my dreams had appeared.

My story

I met a woman who came from the same part of the world I was from, spoke with a familiar accent, and had immigrated to the U.S about the same time I did.

She had gone through a bad breakup as well and was ready for a new relationship.

After a brief 30-minute phone call, I was sure that she was the “one.” We got on a video call a couple of weeks later, and before I knew it, I flew across the country to visit her.

When I walked into her condo for the first time, I saw all of her paintings around her home that were similar to the ones that I had. I noticed the color schemes of her walls, and it was the same ones I liked. She played a list of her favorite Bollywood songs in the car, and they were my favorite too.

So this is what it felt like to meet the one!”, I thought to myself and enjoyed the most magical week of my life. I saw so many coincidences, similarities, and shared life stories. We had so much in common, and I suggested we meet in Asia for the Christmas holidays, where both of our families were.

While she didn’t agree to go to Asia because of me, she mentioned that she would like to be back for the holidays and meet up. What happened after I flew back home is a tale of two very different stories.

While I had confirmed that she was the one and we were destined to be, I didn’t get the feeling that she felt the same way. In retrospect, she did many of the things a person would do if they were not that into you.

I should have been able to tell much earlier that she wasn’t interested, but our brief relationship continued for the next couple of months, with both of us thinking very different things about the future.

What I now realize is that we were on two very different mindsets. While I was convinced she was the one, she had no such intention. I should have picked up on the many signs throughout the time I knew her.

Here are the 7 signs that I learned from her that someone is not that into you.

1. They don’t proactively communicate

She was not very communicative, and while I overlooked it, I should have realized that her casualness and delayed communication were signs that she was not that into me.

While I replied often and soon, she would take hours or days to get back to me. I initiated most of the conversations and asked most of the questions. I rearranged my life and scheduled to be available for her.

She? Not so much.

She was basically living her life and would be available if she was free. Otherwise, she would tell me that she was busy and try her a different time.

The green flag to look for:

Someone who is interested in you will be more communicative and responsive.

They will try to reach out to you and make time to connect. Most likely, they’ll respond in a timely way instead of whenever they felt like it.

2. They don’t show you their interest in you

Not only do they show you that they are not interested via their words and communication, but they don’t show it to you by their actions either.

They may or may not be committed to making plans with you. They may or may agree to show up to the things you invited them to or suggested.

They don’t proactively do anything to let you know that they are interested or want to move forward. They don’t plan, initiate or try to sustain the relationship.

They don’t do things to show you that they are trying to build a relationship with you. They are not creating more time to be with you or planning activities with you.

The green flag to look for:

Look for people who are backing up their words with quality time and thoughtful actions.

Look for partners who are planning and initiating things in the relationship. Find a partner who wants to and enjoys spending time with you.

3. You don’t know how they feel about a future relationship with you

You will never know where things are at with this person.

They will keep things general and won’t really talk about how they feel towards you. You may tell them that you care about them or see a future with them while they may be non-responsive or neutral.

Nothing they’re doing or saying is giving you any indication, but you construe the actions and words they say as interest in you.

If you looked at it objectively and not reading into things, you’ll see that they are friendly but non-committed towards you. They are not expressing their romantic interest and simply treating you like they would any friend.

The green flag to look for:

Someone interested in you would make it a point to share their feelings about you with you.

They would indicate they, too, are interested and want to be in a relationship with you.

4. They don’t try to find out more about you

People who are not that into you won’t try to learn more about you.

They won’t ask many questions or inquire about your life. They won’t seek out your opinions or preferences. They’re not nearly as interested in you as you are in them.

If you say things to them about yourself, they’ll listen, but that’s about all they’ll do. They are not trying to understand you better because they envision a long-term relationship with you.

The green flag to look for:

Someone who plans to be with you for the long-term will find be curious and want to learn more about you.

They also want to know who you are as a person so they know you well. They want to know what you want in life to help build a life together with you.

5. They don’t let you into their inner world

You can have conversations with people who are interested in you, but the conversation is going to stop at a certain point.

They’re not openly sharing their feelings or emotions. They’re not showing who the real person is behind what appears on the outside. Although you can feel there’s much more to them, you get the feeling that they don’t want to share with you.

The green flag to look for:

If you are looking for a relationship with someone who is into you, look for someone who is interested and cares about going deeper.

Look for someone willing to be vulnerable and be authentic with you. Look for someone who is willing to talk about uncomfortable and vulnerable things.

6. They take you for granted

They don’t make you a valuable part of their life.

They have a full and exciting life with many activities on their own. You are not someone who they reach out to regularly. You hear from them only when they have nothing else going on and are free.

They take the sweet gestures and your generosity without acknowledging it. They are not appreciative of you or thank you for anything you do for them.

The green flag to look for:

Someone who acknowledges, values, and appreciates you for being in their life.

Someone who lets you know that your life is better and more fulfilling because of you. They don’t do this in words alone but also show you that they are grateful for you.

7. They bring up obstacles between the both of you to push you away

They are constantly telling you why things are difficult or hard.

Although they say that they like you, they give you a list of reasons why this couldn’t work. Every few weeks or months, they’ll reveal a new source of division between both of you that you don’t even see.

They are bringing up issues that don’t exist, differences that are not that significant, and issues that can be overcome. They don’t want the relationship to end immediately, and they appear to be stringing you along.

The green flag to look for:

Look for a partner who talks to you about the problems that come up and find ways to solve them.

They don’t see any obstacle as permanent but something to be worked through. They are moving towards a relationship and not running away from one.

The most important sign to keep in mind

I thought I would share with you one additional point that should help you make all your decisions in relationships, including if someone is into you or not.

You will know that someone is not that into you from the other person’s actions and words but be mindful of your own intuitive sense.

Your intuition is always right.

Learn to be mindful and practice developing your intuition. Sometimes our heads are so noisy with fears and anxiety, we can’t clearly hear our intuition.

Your intuition is always there. You have to silence the rest of the thoughts in your head to hear it clearly. Use your intuition to help you determine if your partner’s into you or not.

Also, confirm through your partner’s actions, words, and commitment over a period of time.

The key to finding someone who is into you is letting go, moving on, and stopping spending your time with those who are not.

When you stop dating people who are taking up your time and energy, you make more room for people who will show up and be there for you.

Vishnu*s Virtues

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