The prospect of falling in love is sometimes more fantasy-like than it actually is. We put so many high expectations on relations that they may not work out in the end.
While dating a guy in the mental clinic for the past seven weeks now, I have learned a lot.
I have also learned the seven myths about love you must ignore — we all fantasise, but let’s keep it real and learn from these myths to make our relationships blossom better.
1. There is only one for you
“My heart and I agree that you are the only one for me.”
Ok, so there is not only one person for you out there. Just think about how many people there are in the world and be realistic. There cannot be just one person for everyone in this world, but there may be the right one.
Rather, you choose the one for you.
When you find “the one”, you become more aware of how you feel, how they make you feel, and the pure bubbliness between you both.
Finding the one is cliche, I know. I think we put too much pressure on this that puts us off flow when dating people.
We become too big-headed and full of high expectations that it might end up feeling like forever until you find someone, not the one because you have Mr. or Mrs. Perfect in your mind.
Don’t go into dating thinking you will find the one, but be open that there is somehow the one for you. Keep the faith.
2. You will know someone is for you the first time seeing them
“If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings into words — you won’t find it.
You can learn every language and read every word ever written — but you’ll never find what’s in your heart.
How can you?
He has it.”
― Ranata Suzuki
I am a culprit of this, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be true.
I remember the first time I saw my current guy in the mental clinic canteen; I knew something was there.
I felt a spark, energy. I sat down to eat with him, and his shyness, kindness, openness lured me in. I have to say that seeing him for the first time made me think there is something there, but you never know.
Sometimes, it may work, but other times you may catch eyes with a weirdo and not want to go there.
I’m trying to say that don’t purely go off a look, but actually, talk to them and get to know them.
Catching someone’s eyes means you may be physically attracted to them, but that is not everything, trust me. You need a deeper connection than just physical attraction, so don’t just go off the first look (although I have done aha).
3. When in love, everything is perfect
“I think the perfection of love is that it’s not perfect. The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard but must be felt with the heart. Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit. The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”
Just as the quote says, the special thing about love is that it is far from perfect. If you go into love or a new relationship with the expectation that the early days are going to be like that forever, then you may be pulling your own leg. Be careful and find calmness.
You see, I know that my relationship is far from perfect. We both have mental health issues which put a spanner in the works, to begin with, but we try our best to understand one another. Do you have a partner with a mental health issue? You can learn to love them better.
One of the biggest myths about love your must ignore is perfection. You aren’t perfect, so how is a relationship going to be perfect? Think about it.
4. You don’t have to sacrifice anything
“I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.”
— Lauren Oliver
Research shows, “Aside from religious beliefs, the word “sacrifice” is also commonly used in romantic contexts.
People who have a great love for each other do not mind making a few sacrifices. Sometimes this means giving up something for the good of a relationship or our partner. Other times, compromise can involve some form of sacrifice.”
So there is always going to be the sacrifice in love — this may mean giving up something, someone or living further away from each other and making it work out.
The latter applies to me.
Now being out of the mental clinic after seven weeks, I miss him terribly.
It will be hard to have this physical distance between us, but knowing that I will see him again can keep me going. It is holding on to those special moments and cherishing them that makes you realise it is all worth it.
I know that the distance will be hard between us, but what we have is so special that it will maintain us.
5. No arguments
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
— Phyllis Diller
I have to say the strongest relationships I know, like my godparents, who have been together way longer than I have been alive (I am 26, FYI), argue quite a bit. My godmother once told me that it is healthy and keeps their relationship strong and steadfast.
The more you avoid an argument, the more bitter you become.
The more you embrace an argument, the better you become.
I haven’t argued yet with my current boyfriend because we were in our dreamland together for most of the time during our stay at the mental clinic.
We would go into the woods and get lost together every day while breathing in the fresh air and holding hands all day long. However, I know it won’t all be flowers and trees for the rest of our days.
All I can be is be prepared for when the day comes and be as mindful and aware as possible. It is bound to happen, but I know that you come together with more understanding after an argument.
6. No jealousy
“Surrounded by the flames of jealousy, the jealous one winds up, like the scorpion, turning the poisoned sting against himself.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Jealousy is an awful feeling, but it happens to the best of us.
I remember I used to feel jealousy with my ex.
There was this girl at a festival we worked at, and although I liked her and knew she wasn’t interested in my ex, I still subconsciously felt jealous to the point that I had a dream about them getting together. I knew I had to control this jealousy but didn’t know-how. The only way was to tell my ex how I felt to make me feel better about the situation, which he did.
You see, one of the seven myths about love you must ignore is that there won’t be jealousy. At some point, you are going to get jealous.
That is just how it is when you love someone so much. Just remember to be mindful and understanding of the situation and not let it take control of you.
Otherwise, it could well ruin your relationship because:
“Jealousy is the jaundice of the soul.” — John Dryden
7. You will easily accept the other person
The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love.
Acceptance is love.
Without acceptance, you cannot love the other person to the greatest of your capacity.
The guy I am with right now suffers from a handful of mental health issues (as I do), so I have to learn to accept how he feels, and at times, that isn’t good at all.
I have to learn not to take it personally and accept that how he feels isn’t to do with me but is due to his mental health issues. It takes time, understanding, patience.
I hope these pointers will help you in finding some balance in a relationship and make sense of it.