It’s Okay To Loosen Your Grip On Life A little

You know, I have in my life a bunch of people I can’t count on, who don’t really know me and are very unlikely to ever become anyone significant, and sometimes I don’t know why I keep them around. Maybe I’m bored. Maybe now and then I just want some attention. Maybe I’m scared of being alone. Maybe I just like to be distracted. I figure the last one must be the main reason. It’s my way of distracting myself from doing what’s important and being fulfilled.

Imagine if none of these people existed and occupied my mental space? I would have tons of not just free but stress-free time. I know that sounds like an all-positive thing but it’s actually much more difficult to have nothing on than to be busy. You then have to face your own mortal existence. You then have to do what actually scares you. You then have to… well, work on your dream because what’s the excuse left? But if you have distractions, you will barely have time for anything and you can justify your own mediocre state of being, living in the shadow of your own potentials.

I definitely distract myself too much, and it’s painful to be acutely aware of this. I’m on a bunch of websites mindlessly reading and watching things that fill my day but add little to none value to my life in the long-term, and I know it. I know that I’m supposed to be writing, to finish my book, to just write and write and create and then maybe I can think about entertainment. I’m constantly wasting my time on people who give very little shit about me. I hold onto them with not just my arms but probably my whole body and my soul. Some of them, anyway. I don’t know what’s for?

It often crosses my mind that maybe I should just let go. Maybe if I just let my grip loose, the world would still be in one piece and nothing bad would really happen. I would see so clearly who cares and who doesn’t, who’s worth making time for and who isn’t. It might be scary and hurtful to face this truth but isn’t it better now than never? It’s been very tiring for me constantly having to expend my energy keeping all the uncontrollable things in my life together — or just the illusion of it anyway. I’m for the most part stressed out and anxious, and I’m sick of it. I want to be happier, healthier. I want to have more positive experiences — the experiences I can count on having again.

I always try very hard in all areas of my life. I’m almost obsessed with being well-rounded. I’m willing to put the effort in my job, my creative work, my health, my physics, my relationships with people. That’s why it’s become my (bad?) habit to just tense up all the time to make sure each of these areas is well taken care of and that people don’t leave. I try to be tough but I don’t think I’m. I’m strong but I’m not tough. I don’t want people to leave. I want them to stay. I want love in my life and I’m talking about both romantic and human love. But it’s hard to express this in an attractive way and make people want to stay.

But sometimes I wishfully think… what if, what if I don’t have to make them? What if it’s the decision they make in their own time that I can’t do much about anyway? What if the right people will stay regardless because they want to? What if I don’t have to do anything that forces me to compromise my own boundaries and standards? What if I can just for once relax and honour my own perspective? What if I could just let go and my life would still be okay? What if I just… be and trust that good things and good people will come to me? What if I’m deserving of readily given love too without having to all the time worry about working to get it?

I really hope so. Of course, I will still try, I will keep trying — It’s in my blood. I will do all that I could to nurture and protect what I’m blessed enough to have and all those who decide to stay with me. Sometimes I’m just a bit tired and I want to rest. Right now, I want to take my time. I want to see things out. I want to let the world spin around me as it may. I want to loosen my grip a little.