Why Mirroring Your Date’s Effort Might be A Waste of Time

One common piece of dating advice for women is to mirror your date’s effort.

It makes sense at first glance.

First, a woman can avoid getting taken advantage of or chasing a man who is not that interested in her. Second, it helps a woman remain in her feminine energy if she prefers so. Third, it makes it easy to see how much effort the man actually makes.

The problem is the amount of effort involved is not always positively correlated with the progression of interest and attachment. It means that less effort doesn’t always equate to less interest and attachment.

By date three, for example, the man still only asks the woman out once a week and doesn’t really contact her between dates, but the woman is already developing feelings because, when they’re together, he’s everything she wants in a man.

Some might say developing feelings by date three is too fast; others might advise her to wait to see how things go.

But none of these opinions centers the woman.

Whether it’s fast or not is for the woman to decide. It’s what’s happening to her, so be it.

The question she needs to answer is, “What now?”

If she keeps mirroring his effort, she’s denying her own needs and desires. She’s dating on his terms.

A wise and empowering dating strategy, therefore, is to set her own terms and assess whether he satisfies them or not.

A compatible relationship happens when both sides share similar terms. If they find differences, they can work them out and come to an agreement that makes both of them happy.

Mirroring their effort might work in the beginning when you want to see if you naturally meet each other’s expectations. But if some time has passed and you find the relationship unfulfilling, it’s not your job to change him to be someone you want.

When he shows you who he is, believe him and make a decision accordingly. Don’t be afraid to move on ruthlessly — he has had his chance.

You’re looking for a relationship that gives you what you need and want; you’re not looking for a specific man to turn him into a partner he is not.

I can hear some people at the back shouting, “Why doesn’t she communicate her need with him?”

One potential danger is that he can turn himself into someone you want him to be instead of showing who he really is, hence your inability to make effective decisions.

But, in most cases, sure, you can tell him you want more from him. But only say it once in a positive way.

For example, “I love spending time with you. Let’s do it more often!” as opposed to “We only meet once a week. Why aren’t you seeing me more?”

If nothing changes, don’t get upset — simply show him the consequence which is you removed from his life. If you stick around, you send him a message that you value him, someone you barely know, more than your own standard — he won’t respect you. He will treat you worse.

But, frankly speaking, people who are looking for a serious relationship knows what’s expected of them — you won’t have to ask them for the bare minimum.

If your date doesn’t contact you between dates and you want to hear from them more, it might not be a problem of interest but a sign that your needs for closeness are different and, in the long run, you’re better off with someone else anyway.

Mirror his effort to start with, but don’t turn dating into a who-cares-less contest.

Keep caring — you don’t have to be with someone who doesn’t care as much as you do.

He might be amazing in 9 out of 10 areas but if the remaining 1 is important to you, he’s not a suitable partner. Cut your losses.

At the end of the day, date however you want, but please remember to center yourself and choose a relationship that works for you. You do not have to justify your standards. You do not have to worry about what people think; it’s your opinions and judgments that count.