Why You Shouldn’t Talk About Your Ex on the First Date

By Anggun Bawinur

You’ve heard people say how bad it is to talk about your ex on your first date but you can’t seem to understand the reason why? Don’t worry, you are not alone.

I’ve been there too where I can’t help but talk about my ex all the time until I realize I only ruin my chance to get to know this new person that’s right in front of me. While we can argue that this doesn’t happen just because we still can’t move on from the ex, our date will most likely think that it’s the case.

It doesn’t matter whether you just broke up 3 months ago or 3 years ago, talking about your ex the first time you meet someone new, even if you don’t necessarily badmouth them, is still not a good idea. Here’s why:

1. You will give the wrong impression

“Who cares about what the new person will think? If they like me, they like me, right?”

Yes, I agreed on not giving too much damn about other people’s opinions but hear me out, first impressions matter more than you think. Especially if you really like this new person, you certainly don’t want to give them an impression that you aren’t over your ex yet.

Think about it, you go on a date with someone new and they keep bringing up their past relationship more than once during the date. Even if they always say “I’ve moved on completely” at the end of their sentences, you won’t believe them. Why? Because your brain will constantly convince yourself that they haven’t.

And guess what happens next? You’ll become less interested in them and step back from their existence because you think there’s no room for a new person like you in their heart — just yet.

2. It’s harder to let go of your past relationship

When you are about to meet someone new, it indicates that you open up your heart again to someone else other than your ex. You start believing again after having your heartbroken.

Unfortunately, we all know trying to move on from our ex can be hard sometimes especially when the person has been in our lives for so long. It definitely takes time to get used to their absence.

So this is why talking about your ex on your first date isn’t a good idea because it makes your mind travel back to the past and if you are like me who gets emotional easily, it can be hard to shake those thoughts off and redirect your focus on the present again.

3. Lack of respect for the new person

One time I went out on a date with this guy and to be honest I was excited. He seems nice, and while we got along pretty well, there’s something that kept bothering me that night but I couldn’t see what was it.

By the time I reached home, I sat down and began to ask myself why did I feel that way. After long digging, I finally noticed that I felt annoyed every time he talked about his ex (both in a good and bad way). Whatever story he was trying to tell, it felt like he needed to involve his ex so that the story can be valid — even when some of them are completely irrelevant.

While this thing didn’t make me block his number the next day, I began avoiding him because at that time I felt disrespected by his action. In my mind, I was literally okay listening to his stories but not to the point where every conversation had to include his ex which he claimed he has moved on a long time ago.

So as you can see, sometimes we can hurt people without we even realize it and before you lose your chance to be with someone new that you really like, it’s better to leave your stories about your ex in the past because that’s where they belong.

4. You won’t be able to see the new person as who they really are

I’ve seen this happens a lot where people say, “my current girlfriend/boyfriend is so much better than my ex” While this can be true, you shouldn’t compare your new partner with your ex. They are completely two different people and they are too have their own bad sides.

This mostly happens for people who jumped into a new relationship so quickly right after they broke up. So it’s not a surprise if they keep talking about their ex on the first date. However, if you want your next relationship to be healthy (and fair), it’s highly recommended to set everything right from the beginning and one of them is to take out the ex conversation on your first date.

Another negative impact that can happen from your new partner’s side when you talk about your ex on the first date is that they will most likely try to match your expectations. If your ex is a jealous type of person, then this new person will try not to be jealous even if they actually are.

So eventually this will lead to disappointment and the hard time you are having to see the real them — not based on your expectations.

Parting words

As Cortney said on Psychology Today,

The truth is that humans operate in patterns. And the biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In that vein, we will repeat the same mistakes in all of our relationships until we change.

There are ways to improve your love life for the better and I still strongly believe that closing the chapter of your past relationship, this includes your behavior of talking about them to someone new in your present life, is necessary.

It shows how serious you are to get to know them in the first place because, to be honest with you, nothing feels better to go on a date with someone who’s truly open with the new chapter and free their mind from their failed past relationships.

Anggun Bawi

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