Deconstructing Love #2: Is It Possible To Love Two People At Once?!

Welcome back to our Deconstructing Love column where Aaron Zhu, our guest writer, and I will be deconstructing quotes or answering questions on love and relationships — Please feel free to send in your own quotes and questions by emailing me at ellen@tinglymind.com.

Today we will answer a rather commonly asked question which has given many of us headaches:

Is it possible to love two people at once?

Aaron:

It is a very common misconception to equate relationships with love and vice versa. However, the connection between a relationship and love is a matter of correlation rather than causation, implying that it is possible for either to survive without the other. This is important to understand because we tend to second guess our relationships when we feel a connection with another person. However, it’s completely natural to feel an intimacy with another person while we’re taken. What’s important is not how we feel, but how we react.

It would be naive to believe there is only one person out there you will love or fall in love with. Every now and then, someone will pass by and for whatever reason, you guys will just click, hit it off, and instantly experience a romantic connection. It’s just how the biology of humans work. The fact of the matter is, we love and fall in love very easily; it can happen within a brief exchange of glances. You will encounter situations in your life where someone simply just does all the precise things to trigger all those hormones and emotions within you that causes you to fall in love. Therefore, the answer is yes. Not only can you love two people at once, it is actually very likely to happen.

Now, what are you supposed to do knowing that you’ll fall in love every now and then even when you’re in a relationship? Well, the key is in the first part of this writing: relationships do not equate to love and vice versa. Falling and being in love is very much out of your control but the decision to start or end a relationship is solely yours (and your partner’s of course.) What I’m getting at is this: it’s completely normal and natural to love more than one person at once. Thus, you shouldn’t allow those inevitable feelings steer you off track or question your actual relationship with the one you love. You’ll fall in love and catch all those tingly feelings time and time again. Recognize that it’s possible, so you can enjoy those feelings in the moment without doing anything that will strain your relationship.

Furthermore, if you’re struggling with unrequited love, I hope this will help you remain positive. You might not be with or over the one you love, but you’ll find those feelings again with another person soon enough because love is not limited to one person.

Ellen:

True. When it comes to this topic, all the concepts tend to overlap with each other. Love. Being in love. Relationships. Commitment. Or even marriage. People throw different things into the mix and forget the purpose of their asking in the first place. They start to get fixated on the concept instead of what it really means to them as well as what it is that they truly want in practice.

I agree with Aaron that we shouldn’t equate relationships with love. In fact, we shouldn’t equate any other concept with love. They shouldn’t be used interchangeably. Love can be the foundation for relationships and marriage but it doesn’t mean any relationship and marriage is founded on love or needs to be founded on love. While relationships and marriage are social constructs, love is innate. Love, on its own, is purely related to feelings, either temporarily or consistently over time.

So, back to our question: Is it possible to love two people at once? Yes, I think it is. I don’t believe feeling love for one person means less love for other people. I don’t believe all love feelings and connections are absolutely the same either so there shouldn’t just be one or the other. These feelings and connections can co-exist for what they are. They just shouldn’t be confused with other concepts. “I love you” is “I love you”. It doesn’t necessarily mean “I choose you every day and I want to build a relationship with you.” Two different stories!

Though I suppose, when people ask this question, they don’t want to find out about the capabilities of a human’s heart. They want to know how it is possible that they aren’t the one and only for the object of their desire. But does it really mean much? Is monopolizing someone’s heart that important?

Personally, for me, I accept that people can have love feelings for more than one person at the same time. Love feelings can come and go, can be intensified and be diminished by different factors. What matters to me is what my partner and I do with those love feelings. We don’t stop our hearts from feeling but we choose consciously which love feelings to act on, to nurture. We use our minds to support our hearts. We love with purpose, within the healthy boundaries we draw for ourselves.

Again, I like Aaron’s positive note by the end on unrequited love. Yes, our hearts know no limit. We’ll love again.