Why can’t you love her? What has she done other than trying her best? Trying to love and be loved a little bit more, to save herself when the light of her spirit is dimmed, when the voice inside her head hasn’t stopped abusing her every minute of the day. What has she done other than instinctively fighting for her own safety when her mind is ridden with worries out of her control, when her chest is tightened and her stomach is sinking and her whole body is tensing up, when a good night sleep is her luxury and she keeps waking up to this looming fear that something bad might happen, some people might leave.
What has she done other than sending a bunch of vulnerable texts, pouring out her raw emotions to the people who have yet to grasp the depth of her soul, refusing to loosen her grip because she’s scared she will be left behind even though all she holds is always an illusion — of security and continuity? Yes. She loses her control, she drops the game, she shows her true self at all the wrong times, she repeatedly hurts her own energy and she does things she knows she shouldn’t. Well, she does things you think she shouldn’t. She does things that go way outside the box you insist on putting her in. So tell me. What terrible crime has she committed other than being herself authentically, messily, loudly, freely?
Why can’t you see her? The girl who has a heart as big as the galaxy, a soul as deep as the ocean, who is forever yearning to be seen, to be fully understood, to be felt without touch and loved without fear. The girl who is so self-aware, so insightful, so thoughtful, so empathetic that sometimes she can’t see her worth in this pragmatic, materialistic world. The girl who is just trying to be stronger, to fight against her own demons… her anxiety, her attachment style, her biological makeup, the deep-seated emotional pain following her every step and reaction. The girl who is learning what it means to be herself, and how to be lighter, to have more joy in her life, to regain her power and approach every situation from a place of love, to retell the stories echoing from her past.
She has stopped asking and expecting to be taken care of. She is taking care of herself and is committed to putting her best foot forward and communicating herself better. Do you see her at all?
Why can’t you accept her? She has her needs and wants, and they’re all valid. She is who she is, and it’s never too little or too much. Her voice is big, so let her laugh and scream at the top of her lung. Her legs are strong, so let her dance and run wherever her heart might take her. Her body is hers and hers only so let her do whatever she pleases with it. Allow her to share it with whoever in the moment her biology might choose. Don’t judge her. Be patient with her. Give her room to explore and make mistakes. Accept her mistakes. Accept how crudely she handles herself at times. Accept her becoming no matter how long it might take. Because she’s smart, she will learn. She will ask endless questions and she will find her own answers. Best believe these answers will not be what you expect. But they’ll be the best ones for her.
Please remember that for the flower to keep blossoming, you can’t cut it from its muddy roots. It’s her journey and she might just be right where she needs to be.
So tell me, why can’t you love her? Ellen, why? I know you can. I know you do. It’s okay you’re learning too.