Why You Get Attached Quickly to People Who End Up Hurting You

Picture this—you’ve just met someone. Perhaps it was a swipe right on a dating app, a chance meeting at a social event, or a mutual friend’s introduction. The conversation flows easily, the chemistry is palpable, and before you know it, you’re deeply attached.

In the whirlwind of modern dating, where intimacy is often just a swipe or a click away, it’s easy to get attached quickly.

If this is you, you’re not alone.

The Power of Attachment—Easier Formed, Harder Broken

Attachment is a potent force—it’s the glue that bonds us to others, the invisible cord that tugs at our hearts. It’s a deeply ingrained part of our human nature, a product of our evolutionary history. But, like super glue, it’s often easier to apply than to remove.

Attachments, in essence, are emotional bonds you form with others. They are the ties that bind you to those you care about, the connections that make you feel seen, understood, and valued. These bonds are not just about affection or attraction; they’re about a deep-seated need for connection and belonging.

Attachment is powerful because it taps into your most fundamental human needs. You are biologically wired to seek out these connections. After all, we’re social creatures, craving companionship and intimacy. From an evolutionary perspective, forming attachments was crucial for survival. Those who were able to form strong bonds with others were more likely to receive help in times of need, increasing their chances of survival.

In the modern world, attachment still serves a vital role. It provides a sense of security and comfort, a buffer against the uncertainties and challenges of life. It gives you a sense of identity, anchoring you in social networks and giving you a sense of your place in the world.

An attachment that happens quickly isn’t necessarily a bad thing—it can still lead to profound relationships and friendships. But, when you form these bonds without discernment or time, you risk getting hurt. You might rush into relationships without truly knowing the other person or understanding whether they’re right for you. Additionally, these fast-paced bonds often create an imbalance, leading to one-sided relationships where one party invests more emotionally than the other.

So why do you attach so quickly, even when the risks are evident?

Inexperience

Inexperience is often the most common reason for quick attachments, particularly among those new to the dating scene or young people forming their first deep connections.

This lack of experience can lead to confusion between infatuation and love, or a misinterpretation of a fleeting connection for a deep bond. Individuals might find themselves swept up in the rush of new feelings, mistaking the intensity for depth and longevity.

Anxious Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style is characterised by a deep craving for closeness and a pervasive sense of insecurity in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style often fear rejection or abandonment and may form attachments quickly as a way to alleviate these fears.

However, this rapid bonding can often lead to unhealthy dependencies and unbalanced relationships.

Lack of Other Attachments

At times, people form quick bonds because they lack other attachments in their lives.

They might not have strong family ties or close friendships, leading them to seek out emotional connections elsewhere.

This can result in a desperate search for connection, often leading to hastily formed attachments that may not be based on a solid foundation of mutual understanding and respect.

Loneliness

Chronic loneliness can create a void that people try to fill by getting attached to others they don’t know well.

The fear of being alone may push individuals to form relationships hastily, often ignoring potential red flags in their rush to find companionship. However, this approach can lead to unhealthy relationships, as the focus is more on avoiding loneliness than on finding a compatible partner.

Idealisation

Sometimes, individuals might idealise a person or a relationship, viewing it through rose-colored glasses.

This idealisation can lead to quick and intense attachments, even when the reality might be different.

By focusing only on the positive aspects and ignoring potential issues, individuals can find themselves deeply attached to an idealized version of a person or relationship, which can lead to disappointment and heartbreak when reality doesn’t match up to their idealized vision.

Unresolved emotional wounds

Unresolved emotional wounds from past experiences can often influence how quickly one forms attachments. These wounds might stem from previous relationships, childhood experiences, or other emotionally traumatic events. As a result, individuals may find themselves drawn to a certain ‘type’ of person who they believe can fill the emotional void or alleviate their pain.

For instance, if someone has experienced neglect or rejection in the past, they might be drawn to someone who showers them with attention and affection, seeing it as a resolution for their past hurts. This can lead to them getting attached quickly, often without assessing the healthiness or long-term viability of the relationship. It’s a subconscious attempt to heal their wounds, but it can often perpetuate a cycle of unhealthy attachments if the root emotional issues are not addressed.

On the other hand, some individuals might find themselves getting attached quickly to people who cause them emotional distress. This pattern can be quite confusing, but it’s often rooted in a complex interplay of psychological factors.

One of the possible reasons is ‘trauma bonding’. It happens when individuals form strong emotional attachments to those who intermittently mistreat them. This dynamic is often characterised by cycles of harmful behaviour followed by periods of reconciliation and affection, creating a powerful emotional bond that’s hard to break.

Another factor might be an individual’s low self-esteem or self-worth. People who have a negative self-image may believe, consciously or unconsciously, that they deserve to be treated poorly. As a result, they might find themselves attracted to people who reaffirm these negative beliefs.

Furthermore, this pattern can also be explained by a phenomenon called ‘repetition compulsion’. This term, coined by Sigmund Freud, describes a psychological phenomenon where individuals repeat distressing situations or painful relationships in an attempt to resolve or gain mastery over past traumas. So, a person might get attached quickly to someone who hurts them because they’re subconsciously trying to ‘fix’ similar past hurts.

Lastly, the aspect of familiarity can also play a role. People are often drawn to what is familiar to them, even if it’s harmful. So, if someone has grown up in an environment where emotional distress was common, they may be more likely to form attachments to people who create similar dynamics, simply because it feels known and predictable.

Here are some strategies to avoid getting attached quickly:

Develop Self-Awareness

Understanding your attachment style and what triggers your tendency to bond quickly is the first step in navigating your dating habits.

This involves introspection and self-reflection. Look back at your past relationships and identify patterns.

What factors led to the quick formation of attachments? Were there any commonalities in the situations or people that triggered a rapid bond?

By developing self-awareness, you can identify potential pitfalls and work towards avoiding them in the future.

Take Time

Good things take time, and this is especially true for relationships.

It’s important to allow relationships to grow organically, without rushing into emotional commitment.

This means taking the time to truly get to know the other person, understanding their values, beliefs, and personality traits—write them down.

It also involves being patient with your own feelings, allowing them to develop naturally over time. Remember, a strong and lasting bond is not built overnight.

Cultivate a Fulfilling Life

When your life is already fulfilling—filled with hobbies, interests, friends, and self-love—you’re less likely to use romantic attachments to fill a void.

This involves creating a life that you love, independent of a romantic relationship. Engage in activities that you enjoy, spend time with people who make you happy, and work on personal growth and self-improvement.

When you’re content with your life as it is, you’re less likely to rush into relationships out of loneliness or a sense of incompleteness.

Practice mindful dating

Mindful dating involves being present in your relationships.

Instead of daydreaming about the future or getting caught up in the ‘what ifs’, focus on the here and now. Enjoy the current moment, whether it’s a fun date or a deep conversation.

This helps in distinguishing between reality and an idealised version of your partner or the relationship. It allows you to see the other person for who they truly are, rather than who you want them to be or imagine them to be.

Mindful dating can help prevent the formation of quick, intense attachments based on idealization rather than reality.

Start healing

Getting attached quickly might be a sign of deep-seated emotional wounds.

It means you might need to embark on a serious journey of healing. It takes time, energy, effort, and possibly professional help. Don’t be afraid of reaching out to the right people to help you reach a place of well-being and happiness.

You deserve to have a healthy relationship and it starts with meeting your own needs and loving yourself right where you are.

Quick attachments can be a thrilling emotional roller-coaster ride, but they also come with lots of risks. It’s crucial to understand why you form these bonds so quickly and learn how to navigate them carefully. Remember, love and connections are beautiful aspects of life, but like a good wine, they often need time to mature to their full potential.

So slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the journey of forming meaningful relationships.