Why You Shouldn’t Go for What You Want in Relationships

To those of you who keep choosing unsuitable people to date, let me illustrate your dating approach through this simple analogy.

Let’s say your goal relationship is a movie script and you’re the casting director for this movie.

Your goal relationship means a relationship that meets your expectations, boundaries, standards, and needs.

In the casting process, you meet someone who you know is not quite right for your movie, but part of you think you could work with this.

You’re scared you will never find someone who is this close to the role again and this might be your last chance of making this movie, so you don’t want to pass on them.

As you spend more time with this person, you grow to like them and get fixated on the details about them — you find them interesting even though they have nothing to do with your script.

Soon, you start changing your script to suit this new person. Worse, you let them rewrite the script for you.

Before you know it, you don’t even recognise your movie anymore.

You secure this person in the role, but the movie that stars them and you is far from your vision. In fact, you’re merely a supporting role now.

That’s how you end up in a shitty relationship that doesn’t work for you.

See, a good casting director doesn’t do this.

They know their script well and why their script is the way it is.

They choose people who understand their script and can bring more out of their script.

They don’t stop casting until they find a compatible one.

When they meet new people, they know what they’re looking for and they don’t lose sight of it. They won’t let themselves get invested in someone unless that person has shown them strong evidence of their suitability for their movie.

They might improvise bits and bops of their script to make it work better, but they don’t change the entire script just to give someone they barely know a role in their movie.

The same goes for your love life.

If you want your goal relationship, you need to know what you need and find the people who can give you what you need.

There’s a difference between what you want and what you need.

What you want and what you need might be in conflict with each other.

Unlike a movie script that can be rewritten, your core needs won’t suddenly change just because you decide to change what you want.

If you need security and stability, you won’t suddenly stop needing these qualities just because you fall for someone who’s into casual relationships and you think maybe you could be in a casual relationship.

In the long run, you will be in conflict with yourself and suffer.

You need to make sure what you want will get you what you need.

Have healthy expectations for your relationship, but don’t have expectations for the people you meet.

Let them be who they are, observe them, assess their suitability for a relationship with you over time.

Not everyone is for you and you’re not for everyone — it doesn’t make them evil or you faulty. It simply means you need to get better at valuing yourself and judging the people you meet.

Remember that you’re the chooser.

You need healthy self-esteem, high self-respect, and a life you love to stand your ground when people challenge your boundaries and standards.

You need to be so in love with who you are and so okay on your own that you never have to stick around with someone out of fear and desperation.

You need to start with you — solidify yourself from here.

Know your self-worth.

Have confidence in your ability to meet your own needs and make good decisions for yourself, including finding the right partner.

You’re powerful and talented.

Write the best script you know how and cast the right people — you will have a timeless movie. In other words — an amazing life you love.

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© Ellen Nguyen

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