I have been living in London for the last 11 years, and I can’t quite believe how much my life has changed. During my healing journey, I actually manifested exactly the life and the relationship I have today. I want to share with you about this journey of how I completely transformed my dating life and my life and how I did my manifestation.
In my early 20s, I was insecure, anxious, heartbroken, depressed, and just really, really low. But now I’m happily married. I’m a homeowner. I live a very comfortable life in London. Everything has changed, and I attribute that outcome to the fact that I healed myself, changed my dating approach completely, and then found a healthy, fulfilling, happy relationship. It is an absolute contrast to my dating life in my early 20s.
1. My nightmarish dating life in my early 20s
Let’s take a trip down memory lane.
I was so anxious and insecure. I was such a people pleaser. I was what they now call a ‘pick me’. My relationships were very short-lived, casual, unstable, and even traumatising. I didn’t date to find a relationship; I dated to escape my life, to have empty fun, to heal my past wounds. It was very self-serving. I didn’t really think about the other person; I didn’t really think too far into the future. Even if I saw red flags miles away like they were about to leave the country, I didn’t really care. I went with it to see how it would go. (We all know how that would go.)
I also valued the wrong things; I would care about really superficial things, about how those things that they had made me look. I wanted to be associated with things that I didn’t have. My self-esteem was on the floor. I might have standards at the beginning when I picked someone to date, but when I got involved with them, those standards just went right out the door. Then I started to be attached, begging for attention, insecure, and it just became a mess. I always waited to be chosen.
It felt like a trap I couldn’t really get out of. I had some awareness, but I kept falling into this anxious-avoidant pattern. Whenever I experienced a breakup, it felt like I was torn apart, like something deep in my psych was impacted, and it was just one after another. I thought that the next relationship would save and heal me, but it just made it worse, and so I ended up feeling traumatised. I felt hopeless. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself. I could not get myself out of it, even if deep down I really, really wanted to.
The one silver lining in this period of my life was that it showed me what I deep down wanted, and it was commitment, stability, a healthy relationship, love, really healthy love, not the kind of love that made me hate myself. I wanted attraction out of admiration, not deprivation. It was the guidance from the inside that let me go on to find what I truly needed.
I hit my breaking point, and so I stopped everything.
2. How I healed and transformed my dating life
I cut all the romantic interactions with men.
I realised that those relationships and those men did not add any value to my life. It was also the time when I learned about high-value and low-value behaviors, and I realised that all along, I had engaged with really low-value behaviors and put a lot of weight on them.
I thought that a text was something, and a man coming back into my life, texting me, asking about me, meant something. Meanwhile, behaviors like consistency, patience, and investment in me were actually the things that I needed to look out for but I overlooked them.
I realised so many of my relationships with men were very low value; those men themselves were also very low value to me at least. Their interactions with me only served them, and they wanted to take up my time for their entertainment. But I was no longer willing to do that, so I literally just deleted all those numbers, I did not reply to anyone anymore. I just stopped allowing any kind of breadcrumbs, any kind of behaviors that did not fall into any category like friendship, or romantic relationship. If he’s not my boyfriend, he’s not my friend; then he’s no one, he’s a vampire, the vampire that really wants to suck all your attention and energy out of you. You need to cut them out of your life. I just knew that I needed to cut out all these things that were negative to me, didn’t really add value to me, and started to add good things to myself.
I stopped trying to escape from my life; I went to therapy, I built that trust in myself again, I trusted that I could take care of myself, I spent more time with friends and family, the people who knew me to remind me that I was lovable, I was worthy, and I started to take care of myself, I built healthy habits. All these things helped me increase my self-esteem, build strong boundaries, and know that I deserved to have high standards.
As I was aware that those men and those behaviors were low value, I started to think about what high value meant to me and what kind of person the type of men that I wanted would be attracted to and feel lucky to be with. I focused on my strengths, on the values that I want to be seen by other people, on the things that I loved about myself, and I also looked for the same things in my partner. I thought about what I really, really wanted from my partner and where I saw myself in the next few years. It became really clear to me what I had to do.
I also changed my dating approach (I can talk about this in another video), but today I want to focus on the two lists I made during this time to really be intentional about looking for my husband. I know it is so strange to say like, ‘Oh, I want to look for a husband,’ but it’s a serious matter. My romantic relationship, my marriage, is so central to me, and it is so normal that we prioritise our husband, our wife, and our family, but when a single woman says, ‘I want to look for a husband,’ somehow it becomes so anti-feminist, even though it shouldn’t be.
So yes, I was determined to look for a husband; I knew that I value stability, commitment, relationships, intimacy, and deep connections, so I knew that in the next few years, I wanted to settle down. I wanted to find my other half. I wanted to find a home. And that’s what I did.
Along all this, it’s not like I abandoned my career to focus solely on finding a partner. I was still working on myself, and I was still working on my career. In fact, I am in a really good place in my career right now, and I am very happy with it.
I no longer wanted to escape from my life, and that was very, very important. It’s not like I was thinking to myself, ‘Oh, I’m gonna find someone who’s going to take me away from my miserable life.’ When I went through my healing journey, I fell back in love with my life. So I was thinking that my life is so good, my life is joyful; now I want to find someone who shares all this with me and adds more to this, and I can add to theirs as well. We’re going to build something together. And this is me showing up, finding someone who’s also going to show up for me, and that was a mindset that I had.
3. How I manifested my dream relationship
One of the first manifestations was writing an email to my future self saying, “the next man I meet, I’m going to get married to him.”
It means that I don’t want to date around anymore; I don’t want to have casual relationships anymore; I want to find someone who is going to be my life partner, and I will carry myself that way.
More interestingly, the second manifestation is the list of qualities that I wanted in my spouse, and this is the fullest here.
It was really blue sky for me; I didn’t actually want to put anything around his appearance in here, but I did put ‘tall.’ The rest of it was really about values, qualities, how they felt about me, and that they would be supportive of me. it’s also about me as a person and my career. These are all the things that I thought a partner could really add value to me.
You should assess a partner based on the value they bring to your life instead of the value they have on their own for themselves.
For example, if someone is attractive and makes a lot of money but they’re very stingy, they never want to give you anything, and they don’t treat you well, so they are worthless to you because they add no value to you. But if someone who may not be supermodel-level attractive and may make a reasonable amount of money, but you find them attractive, you like them, and they want to share their resources with you and build a life together, that person has a lot more value than the other person.
That is how you should think about value, and how it is in relation to you and your life together. It’ll help you open your mind and see people differently as well. You will see different qualities that come out; you’re not going get swept away by someone just because they’re very good-looking and have an impressive job title or a lot of money and all that noise.
When I wrote down this list, I also knew that I was able to deliver these things to my partner as well. I continued to work on myself and make sure that I was the type of woman that my future husband would be excited to be with or feel really lucky to have.
After that, the way I chose people from dating apps was completely different because I already knew what I was looking for, and I only engaged with people who were intentional, nice, respectful and wanted to take me on nice dates. That was how I met my husband.
If you’re curious about how I changed my dating approach and met my husband, I actually made a guide about it, so feel free to check it out. And I really hope that you will get what you want, and I leave you with my favorite affirmation statement: “You will get everything you want and more.”