Before I say anything further, I will be honest with you: it hurt. Yes, it hurt big time the moment I realised the relationship would never be what I wish it could be and he was never going to feel for me the way I felt for him. All that I had was something almost.
I blamed myself. I traced back to every second we were together, asking myself what I did wrong that ruined my chance of something more, something solid. Since we were never in a relationship, there was no break-up, no closure but only me with a broken heart and millions of what-ifs.
It was hard, very hard, but it’s true that time heals. When we go through something like that, we think it’s the end of the world. As time goes by and we reflect on our experience, we start to put things into perspective and realise important things, the things that truly matter. It was the same for me.
Right after we cut contact, I wished I had never met him in the first place, for the only thing I knew was pain. However, over time, I was able to see how things have happened exactly the way they should and come to feel grateful for even the pain I felt, and so much more.
1. I got to feel the feelings I thought I would never have again.
Before I met this person, I thought I had lost the capacity for love, or even anything close to that. I thought no one would be able to excite me, make me giggle like a little girl when a text shows up, or miss him the moment he’s away.
All the butterflies, all the intense feelings, or even the tears. They were terrifying, yet wonderful — wonderful how life suddenly had colours, food tasted better and every little thing became more lively. It is like a reminder that it happened, it will happen again, there is something worth waiting for ahead and all I need is to be patient.
2. I did have a good time.
Looking back, when it was good, it was really good. We did make each other laugh and had our fun. It would be silly of me to disregard the whole thing just because in the end we didn’t end up together.
I always think that nothing means more than the moment it happens but it has meant everything for the very moment it does. So what matters is that for those happy moments we had together, we were being ourselves enjoying each other instead of wasting our time away in the dullness of life, and that’s enough.
3. I never knew I could be so strong.
For some reason, what we had was very intense. So, when it ended, I felt like I was falling into a bottomless hole that there was no way I could climb out of. But guess what? I did, fabulously.
And I’m now happier and more alive than ever, knowing proudly that I possess this amazing power to put all my broken pieces together on my own and move on to better things ahead. Plus, I have become so much more collected, which is so valuable to a 20-something trying to figure life out like me.
4. I now know what I truly want and what works for me.
Initially, I thought it was my fault that things didn’t work out. But then I realise that a relationship takes two and also good timing. There was only so much I could do and I had done what I felt right to do at the time. The only thing I did wrong, if anything, was to blame myself.
What I should have done instead is to prioritise my needs and pay attention to what I really feel inside. Now I know that I want something real, not almost relationship, not sort-of dating, not kind of seeing each other. I know I deserve happiness and I won’t settle for anything less than being happy and treated with care and respect. I have also learned what my deal breakers, turn-ons and turn-offs are.
So, I’m glad my almost relationship happened. I’m proud that I wasn’t afraid. I was brave enough to let my guard down, to be vulnerable, to take my chance. Plus, if I didn’t do wrong, how would I ever know what’s right for me? And at least I will never have to regret not giving it a go and wonder what it would be like.