I know it hurts sometimes but you’ll get over your break-up. You’ll find another life to live. I swear that you’ll get over it.
Two years ago when my ex ended things with me, I listened to some lyrics on repeat. I still remember the deep pain I felt in my chest back then. It was like a loved one had passed away.
Two years later, I’ve returned to this subreddit to give back to those who will be starting their no-contact journey.
I know the world is ending for you but, trust me, I’m a living proof that you will, in fact, get over it. For real, you’re going to be more than okay. You’re going to be in a better place than you ever were. You’re going to be a whole different person, a stronger and better person, and it’s going to be beautiful.
Two years ago when I was fresh out of my breakup, I obsessively searched online for the answer to my pain. How am I going to get through this? What do I do? Should I talk to her? How long should I wait before I talk to her? How do I get her back?
If your breakup is recent, don’t try to lie to me or yourself. I know that you’re desperately trying to figure out how you can play this so that you can maximise your chances of getting your ex back. You’re going to employ the No Contact initiative because, firstly, everyone online is telling you it’s the best way to move on from a breakup and, secondly, deep down a part of you is secretly hoping it will help you get your ex back.
Here’s what’s going to happen.
You’re going to go no contact. You’re going to move on and start to be in a good place, then your ex is going to start missing you after some time and realise the grass is not greener and possibly contact you.
I was in a relationship for two years. When it ended, I went no contact. Seven weeks later I got a “hey” text. Imagine my surprise. The love of my life who had broken my heart, the one I thought I’d never hear from again, texted me “hey” late at night. We all know what that text meant.
I was still not over her. However, after seeking advice from my friends, I ultimately decided to ignore it.
I still don’t know how I did it. I mean, I got dumped by the love of my life and then one day she texted me? Trust me, it wasn’t easy. Another month passed and I got a “Happy new year” text. I gotta give her props — it took guts to send a double text after being ignored. I didn’t reply. Now I’m at year two and I’m never looking back.
Okay, I’m aware that some of you who are freshly out of a breakup may cling to the hope that your ex does contact you one day.
Make no mistake — it doesn’t matter if they contact you or not. I know that you’re going to cherry-pick what you want to hear and probably ignore what I just said, so I’ll say it again: It doesn’t matter if they contact you or not.
The point of no-contact is to move on, not to get a response from your ex.
Once again, the point of no-contact is to move on, not get a response from your ex.
You may read my story and hope that your ex contacts you too. It’s natural to do so. But it’s time to do the healthy thing for a change, so you do yourself a favour and take your false hope out behind the barn and put it to rest. I’d do it for you but I can’t; you need to do it for yourself.
The point of no-contact is to move on, not get a response from your ex.
I’m going to tell you exactly how to get through this, but you’ll need to follow my recipe exactly.
Now, let me be clear about what I mean when I say “No Contact”: 100% cold turkey zero contact.
Here are the steps:
1. Do Not Respond
This goes without saying but you will no longer be speaking with your ex. EVEN IF THEY TEXT YOU. DO NOT RESPOND.
The only instance in which I can tolerate you responding is if your ex puts themselves totally out there, totally vulnerable. “Hey”, “Happy new year”, “I miss you”, “I wish it didn’t have to be this way” do not count.
No dipping their toe in the water to see if they still have you, if they want you bullshit. Trust me, that’s exactly what all of those texts are for.
They would have to, completely on their own accord and without any prompts or prior messages from you, get on their own two knees and beg for you back.
They would have to apologise over and over and over again, all in response to your cold and dead silence, just to convey to you through the miracle of technology that they have made the biggest mistake of their life and that they, in fact, cannot live without you. I mean, hey, it could happen.
2. Delete them on social media
Delete their profile on every form of social media. DO NOT STAY FRIENDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND PRETEND THAT YOU CAN AVOID THEM IN YOUR FEED.
Every time their profile picture comes up, every time they post photos of their weekend, it will SET YOU BACK BIG TIMES. BIG TIMES, my friend. Not just Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, but even Venmo.
You can block if you want but I find it too harsh and it sends the message that you are burning the bridge permanently, but to each their own. Delete or block immediately. I’m telling you this because I just want you to be on your way to healing already.
3. Put Everything away.
Whatever gift they gave you, I don’t care what it is, put it in a box and forget about it, especially photos. Put all of their photos on your phone into a folder and never open that folder.
Make sure the thumbnail of the folder doesn’t have their picture. Or delete photos if you want.
Seriously, by the end of this step, you MUST have any and every trace of your ex out of your sight.
Time to let it out big guy. One week to a few weeks max. If you’re getting close to a month, it’s time to wrap it up.
Cry, listen to music, watch movies (I recommend Swingers, you’ll see why at the end). Accept the support from your friends and family — they will be there for you and talk you through it and help you hug it out.
This support will be with you at every step, especially step 5.
5. Get up and get out
Life doesn’t wait. Friends and family will be waiting for you when you finally open that bedroom door.
Go out with your friends, be responsible, and start living your life. You’re going to have to remind yourself to get your ex off your mind when they inevitably pop in there, but just keep soldiering on and do it.
Please don’t drown your problems with substances. Be smart and remember to have fun.
6. Get to work
For me, it was working out. I got in great shape.
Work on yourself, you know the drill. New clothes, new work ethic, new gym body, new hobbies, whatever.
You’re going to get motivated one way or another, whether it’s from a thirst for self-betterment or more likely a thirst to prove your ex wrong for thinking they’d do better than you (no one’s better than you).
7. Stay the course
If you slip up and check their profile, it’s okay, I forgive you. But if you do it again, I won’t.
Every now and then your ex will cross your mind, even months or years later. Look, the whole reason why this is all so hard is because you loved them so. You guys had something special. But it’s over.
I know you might think you’ll never find someone as good as your ex, but seriously, SERIOUSLY, that is the biggest lie you will ever tell yourself. You got your ex once, you’ll get someone else just as good as them.
Just kidding, of course, I lied. You’ll get someone way better.
8. Love yourself
This is not the last step. It’s just not going to materialise until you really, REALLY, do it.
What does it mean to love yourself? Well, what did it mean to love your ex? What does it mean to love your family?
You cared for them, you supported them, you were there for them when they needed you. Now do that for yourself. See just how far you’ll go once you start doing it.
Spoiler alert: pretty far, my friend.
I’m writing all this because I was scrolling through my messages on Instagram tonight and I found my messages with my ex from when we still dated. I saw her new profile picture in the thumbnail too.
Guess what I did? Deleted those SOB messages and came here to write this post.
Seriously, those first days, those first weeks, they felt like a thousand years.
It’s going to be a process. In the beginning, every day, it will feel like you have to climb over the day ahead of you, but after some time the days start to add up behind you, and the ones ahead of you don’t look so high anymore.
Eventually, you’re going to reach a point that you thought you needed to be at in order to get your ex back.
But once you get there, you’ll realise that you don’t want what your past self wanted when it started you on this journey.
You’ll realise just how good you are. You’ll finally realise that your ex didn’t deserve you in the first place. It’ll be a plot twist for the ages. You’ll see.
Finally, let me close with some advice for your mindset.
Your ex broke up with you and you now feel like you aren’t good enough for them or for anyone else ever again. Why did they leave me? What’s wrong with me? What could I have done differently? Why am I so worthless?
Just stop it already, please. My goodness, just stop it.
Here’s the secret to life.
It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself.
You don’t live for anyone.
You may love your mom to death and you’ll always have your friends’ backs, and that’s the way it should be.
But make no mistake, the only person that will be there with you for your entire journey will be you.
It’s time to grow up and realise that it doesn’t matter what other people think. Deleting your ex from social media… Wow, isn’t that a little much? Doesn’t that mean they’ve obviously affected you so much that you had to resort to such drastic measures? Doesn’t that make you look petty? Shouldn’t you just stay Facebook friends and pretend it doesn’t affect you?
Bullshit. All of it.
You’re going to stay social media friends with your ex so you can save face? Well you’re not. You’re only putting other people’s opinions ahead of your own.
The fact is that the best thing for you is to move on, and the best way to do that is to utilise no contact, and the best form of no contact is no contact.
It doesn’t matter if your ex thinks you’re petty for deleting them on Facebook. It’s time to base your decisions not on optics but on what is truly best for you.
It’s time to put you first.
Take that with you to your grave, my friend. Do not ever make an important decision based on what other people will think.
Remember how your ex broke up with you? Doesn’t that suck knowing the person you want most doesn’t want you? Doesn’t that mean you’re worthless? Fuck no.
Since when did your ex get the honour of deciding your worth? May I see the badge that bestows such authority?
The only one that gets to decide your worth is you.
Haters gonna hate, my friend. But you don’t answer to anyone else but you.
At the end of the day, when you go to bed, all you need to stress about is how you’ll be judged by yourself.
The truth is you put the control of your happiness in the hands of your ex and you suffered the consequences.
You outsourced your happiness, but that’s not how happiness works.
You can be happy if you want to be. You need to internalise your happiness, to rely on YOU to be happy. Take the control back, because honestly you’re the one who gave the fake badge to your ex in the first place.
Here’s a quote from a Buddhist that sums it all up pretty well:
“I’m not what I think I am, I’m not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.”
Think about that for a second. That’s referring to your ego. And once you recognise how much that quote controls your life, and once you finally break free, you’ll finally be who you are meant to be. Right now, you are what you think they think you are. It’s time to be who you are.
I feel for you, but I also don’t. You’re on the greatest journey of your life, just stay the course and you’ll finally get to be that guy. That guy at the end of the tunnel that’ll look back at the past you that sent you on this journey in the first place.
You’re going to become your future self. You’re going to look back at your past self and you’re going to be thankful. Fuck your ex, and you should thank them too, because they helped set you on this journey.
The truth is that they never deserved you.
Give it time and effort, and you’ll get to look back at your old self and smile at how far you’ve come.
Godspeed, my friend.
If you need any further guidance on no-contact, the author would like you to reach out to him via reddit message.