The Moment I Knew Better than Texting Him

He came out of nowhere, swept me off my feet, professed his love to me, and cracked my heart open raw. He made love to my mind, my body, and my soul.

He never promised me the moon, but he held it dangling in his hands. And I wanted it all.

There was an opening of minds and a sharing of hearts. There were passionate kisses by daytime and moonlight. There were romantic dinners, indoor picnics, and parking lot rendezvous. There were long road trips, singing together, and exploring faraway places. There were hours of endless bliss which left me so weak I was high on his love for days afterwards.

I fell hard, jumped in with both feet, and gave my whole heart. I feared someday it would have to end and I believed I knew how much it would hurt. But, I wanted every moment. He was my addiction and my cure, all rolled into one.

I lived and breathed his words and his touch. I didn’t care that he had found me during a painful divorce, for he offered me the deep friendship and soul-opening love my heart longed for. He filled my mind with wonder. He was water to my thirsty soul.

He said all the beautiful things I had never heard before. He learned all the right buttons to push. He came to know me so well, I wondered if he had taken residence inside my head. He always left me wanting more.

Sometimes, there were quiet moments when I could see into his heart, small glimpses that let me see who he was. And even if that frightened him, I loved him all the more.

His big heart has loved many and he loved me. And because I loved him, I understood. I would never upset his marriage. I would never tell him who to love or how to live his life.

I would take whatever he gave and allow him to love me in the way he could. I would be ready to see him when he could take me from the box he kept me in and make a little time in his life for me.

I loved too much, prolonged the inevitable, and hoped in the back of my mind someday he would hand me the moon.

I longed to be important enough to be a part of his life in honesty. I wished to have him hold me through the night and wake in his arms like true lovers do. I craved to exist in his life without the hiding and share our love without fear of discovery.

I did not want to be his dirty secret anymore.

And so, it happened one night, when I awoke from a deep sleep, as I ventured outside to view the lunar eclipse. I watched as only a sliver peeked out behind the shadows.

The hair on my arm stood straight and I could feel in my bones something was different inside me. My thoughts wandered to him, as they always did.

There were so many beautiful moments I longed to share with him, but never could. This moment was no different. As I reached for my phone to text him a message, a thought came to my head… “Don’t miss the moon.”

And in that instant, I knew.

As a strong, fiery, and independent woman, I had the courage to walk away from a marriage that wasn’t working. Yet, somehow, I had descended into madness and comfort in my lover’s arms. I had found and lost myself in him. In my quest to reach for the moon, to swallow it whole, I wanted it one way… with him.

But, that came at the sacrifice of me. For I could have the moon at any time. It was not his to give or take away. It was always mine, to begin with. I had to claim it for myself.

In an ideal world, we would reach for the moon together. But, I knew that wasn’t possible.

He would never know the deep ocean of feelings inside my heart. He would never understand how much I loved him. He wouldn’t know what personal sacrifices I made or how painful it was to be with him, always wanting, with a life together out of reach.

He would not be able to comprehend my agony from the secrecy I accepted for him.

He would never know how much it tore the inside of my soul to walk away… for me.

Stephanie Parry

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